I have gone near death and the Darkness of Death many times

Each time that dark 

Has added 

Just a little more Light to me,

Making me Brighter inside

Because of that closeness

That intimacy with death

Mortality.

It creates for me a greater appreciation of life

All the emotions that brighten us

And the lives of those around us.

It magnifies my gratitude to LIFE

Enhances my empathy compassion and Love 

For all around me

And that me I often never appreciate

Going near the dark

Touching it

Being kissed by it’s intimacy,

I glow brighter 

Yet still…

Shudder at that shadowy kiss. 

(This may not qualify as poetry. I admit it. It is just something that happened to me today. Dropping words in this manner can explain a feeling)

Sitting in my secure place at home

Battered by waves of terror

It should be safe here, right?

But it isn’t.

Concussive waves of fear batter me 

I rock in my desk chair

I want to put my hands to my head to stop the waves of fear

(But it won’t do any good will it?

Unless you put your hands INSIDE your head). 

I was driving to work and the road lost all reality

I tried to turn around and 

Got lost in my mind

Trying to find the road back

But here I am 

Trying to keep out the waves of fear

With my hands 

Inside my head,

Trying to cover the holes in my head 

Keep the fear 

The terror from entering this head room. 

They tried to beat me down and pigeon hole me telling 

Me

Defining me

Who I am

Who I was

But

Damn them I know what I am…

(Oh what am I?

What will I BE?

What Can I be?)

Oh something greater 

So much better 

Than what they say I was

I am 

I will be…

Oh something much brighter

Stronger

More beautiful than all the “THEYS” could imagine me to be

You to be…

No matter what shit I live through

What pain

What humiliation

I reach inside to that BETTER THAN THIS

And laugh yes 

Laugh,

Saying,

“This ain’t me

I am not what you say I am

I’m not anyone’s loser and not my own

I’m better than this

Better than any labels anyone can paste on me

And better than any negatives I can label myself

Because deep down inside 

In that muck of rotting labels,

I know I am better than….

This

Better than THAT. 

The ghost you felt was watching you from the corner 

Or closet

When you were a child

Was you

After you had left all corners

All closets

And become merely the essence of you

After you had died. 

That Presence you sometimes felt

In a room

Alone 

Or in a crowd

That presence you sometimes felt

But never saw

Watching you 

As you looked for it,

Was you

Watching you

From a different time

When you were gone

But you,

Remained. 

That THING 

That made you cry in the dark with mind numbing fear

Was you

Watching you

Feeling you

Remembering you

Reaching out 

To comfort

But instead… 

Being your own unreasoning fear. 

As you stand over your remains

Watching them decay

That horror

That sadness

Gives way… 

ACCEPTANCE

As your ashes swirl in the breeze

Become One with the Wind, 

Your body rotting

Becomes a tree

A weed

Food and life for many 

You have become

Witnessing it all

Watching your life

Your death

Your life again in so many forms

You 

Suddenly Feeling AGAIN,

 One long moment as you are conceived

Screaming like the ghost you are 

Were 

And will be, 

That flash of life 

That flash of life as you die

That flash of life and death as you are born…

As One

As many … dying but ALIVE!

But Always Too the ghost, 

That presence of you beyond you

Watching you all your life

Through your death. 

Through your birth…

Over and over … Again.)

Oh brother,

I never knew you but for a few photos

And the vague memories told to me of how you were in life

Before you died at age 8.

Oh brother,

I often think of you

Filling in a life you never had

Imagining that big brother life for you

Imagining perhaps,

My not being born because you would have lived

Imagining perhaps,

Your continued life

A sacrifice of my never being born.

Oh brother,

I feel you with me at times

Watching as I write this

Looking over my shoulder

Crying with me as I cry,

Thinking about a brother I never knew

A brother I imagine 

Tries to touch my shoulder 

As we cry a duet

One so real

One in a spiritual realm

Watching

But joined with me now

In this flow of tears

Feeling you some how…

As I feel you have felt me

All my life. 

Oh brother,

I thank you for HAVING lived even 8 years

And inspired me

With love

To continue on so many times.

Oh brother,

I never knew you

But through these tears

Perhaps you can feel how much I love you. 

“Don’t jump!”

They yell at me.

Falling,

I whisper back,

“I did not jump

I was pushed 

Along time ago,

And it’s taken me this long

To Fall.”

Depression for me is falling down a hole 

Without the energy to even scream

Without the desire to live anymore 

So that I CAN scream.

It is hearing the voices of people distantly calling to me

Stupid things I try to ignore

Oh stop feeling sad

Don’t be that way

Cheer up!

But it’s like prayer for them: 

They don’t know what to do

Or what to say

So they say SOMETHING 

THEY FEEL will help

But all it is… 

Is talking down a hole

To someone disappearing

Or something

Or someone 

                                                                 Not there……

Because I cannot enter into altered states of consciousness to escape unpleasant realities

I’d love to create altered states of consciousness

For those realities I find so unpleasant.

To make politicians bad trip out

Screaming 

To come back

Begging to come back to a Reality 

THEY so horribly abused

Then fearing The Trip,

Strive in the real to make the real a better place…

For the bad states of consciousness THEY projected on a public they were trusted

To so sanely

Compassionately serve. 

Because I cannot drink or use drugs

I’d like to remove the intoxication of power 

From the powered Elites

And humble them 

Ego-free

To find joy in service

In kindness

The only drug they need. 

Sometimes

Being,

In a room

At work

At my desk

There is a feeling, 

The end of drowning where you cannot struggle anymore

you twitch instinctively trying to live

But you cannot

You let go,

Exhaling with nothing left to exhale

But I am here

In my normal spaces

In the end of my air drowning

Twitching a little

Instinctively trying to live

But I cannot

I cannot continue 

Go on

And I let go…

Drowned

Drowning in the air of my life

The existence

The Being of my life

Letting  go 

Like a drowned person…

Falling to the floor

As I would slowly fall after drowning

Having

Let………………… GO. 

The loud music of Others

Is to my ears,

What the smell of a decaying animal,

Is to my nose.