Dating Site Blue Balls

Experiences, An Online Dating Site

Back in early Spring of this year, I joined a dating site with people from around the world. I was LONELY and honestly felt no great desire to go through the marriage thing with anyone unless a miracle was attached to it. I don’t believe in miracles. I was hoping for to ease my loneliness in life. I did by encountering and befriending a few VERY GOOD NICE PEOPLE. Others… made me feel SAD.  Sometimes dirty. 

The worst of those I encountered were women that ridiculed my age and sometimes just assumed I was or am an old pervert. One said I am SO OLD I have “one foot in the grave”. I wondered which foot and how deep it is.

Others wanted money for video sex shows. I told them thanks but I can see better on Porn Hub. I DO admit that I joked to women about sex and naked stuff but that may be just how so many American men are. We are more stupid about such things than others or maybe it is just me. 

Some KIDS or very young women showed a baby and said they needed money for the baby because the father left them etc…. how true I had no idea. I told them I could not and would not give money and suddenly they lost interest in that nice handsome old man 😉 

2 women wanted me to “sponsor” their birthdays. 1 tempted me by showing herself in a bra. I said ok if you want me to pay for your birthday party be naked for me. SUDDENLY she was a very moral person and got upset with me! How could I SAY such a thing! I told her, “if you can ask someone for money to pay for a fucking birthday party you can show your naked ass!” She lost interest in me. 

Ahhhh and one of the last women was a mother of 5 whose husband had dumped her after beating her. Sent me a nude pic which to me said, “NO! This woman did not have ANY kids!”. I never saw her on webcam and thus had a laugh about it.

Other women my age scared me: WARNING! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE A HIGH FAT DIET AND NO EXERCISE! They inspired me to take a look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusted. YES! I AM A FAT PIG THESE DAYS! 

There was one woman that had some of the biggest breasts I have ever seen. Young woman. Always suspicious of such women being so young and interested in ME. She did the standard, “Oh I LIKE older men!” And I would reply to such a comment with: “NOT if you have seen some fat old bastard with a tiny limp dick and a big sagging belly in the shower!”.  THAT woman had a lot of cleavage showing in her profile pic. I wondered what her game was. She asked me if I liked big breasts. I told her breast size is not a big thing to me. Ok bad choice of words there. She sent me 3 pics of her body.  HUGE breasts! TIGHT skinned. Surprisingly flat abdomen. I said something like very nice but I think breast reduction is a good idea in the future. She surprisingly agreed. The next day I asked how she was and (drum roll here it comes…….!) ……………….. She said she was hungry and did not have money for food. Yes she had money for internet service but not for food. I could see what her game was. Cynical me. Show your boobs to many men then get the pity and hardship going. Same thing with many that had kids and needed diaper money etc. Many years ago I talked to a woman that had worked a dating site. She told me bluntly that there are groups of women recruited with babies or even borrow the babies of others to do that heart string pull thing for money. 

As a bit of a shit and a realist, when some told me they needed money and were doing their begging or wanting money for a birthday party or this or that I suggested they do the naked webcam thing for money which is profitable if they do it right. I told them just do not show your face! IRONY IS… is ok to BEG for money on dating sites but not to go … THERE and do THAT.  If someone wants to insult me by trying to play me I will throw it back at them. 

I am an Atheist. Many on the site were filipinos who were deeply religious but had had men that may have gone to confession a lot but left and sinned a lot more. The women were often horrified that I did not believe in god!

The BEST women I met were… Buddhist. Very cool people. Not throwing religion around but I DID notice a big flaw in Buddhist CULTURE around the world: Investment in temples, statues and materialism related to Buddhism. The Buddha stressed NON MATERIALISM and yet his followers invest much in material to praise and worship someone that never wanted to be worshipped. He was not a god or deity of any kind. Yet so much is spent on Buddhist STUFF. Take all that money and invest it in PEOPLE AND ANIMAL WELFARE! Go plant a forest with all those offerings. Make more monks WORK.  The Buddhist women I have encountered have been enlightening to me in how they live clean lives. I admire and respect that now. 

One of the most amusing things I found on that dating site were Russian and Ukrainian women that all looked like models. They wanted my email address to send me photos. I told them … VIDEO CHAT! They were I am sure all fake. I believe there is a racket in the collection of email addresses for the purpose of spam. Similar with PHONE NUMBERS used on such chat apps as WhatsApp and Line. The Chinese WeChat is an app where there Chinese government watches users. This I learned from computer tech people I have encountered. 

I learned a lot about MEN from talking to women on that site. I passed along the information to total strangers I saw as needing it. Amusingly, several left because of the information I passed along. 

MEN on some dating sites will try to get money from women. They will lie a lot. Some men are only on sites for sex. They get several women from a country and say they are the ONLY one and then go have sex with several women in the same country. That is a lot of money and 0 conscience. Lying is the main thing the men do. One woman told me how she gave a man money. Another was one of several sex partners of one man. I helped her with her self esteem and found out once she got her confidence back she was an egotist and narcissist. Many men just want to get women naked. Yes true I JOKE about it and make jokes about women SHOWERING but… that once blew-up in my face. I have to be careful with what I joke about. I once joked about it with a woman on Facebook and thought nothing of it. Then she made a video call to me WHEN SHE WAS IN THE SHOWER! It turns out she had a nice face but…. A HUGE BODY! She was folds of fat and wet and had her hand up her pussy sticking her tongue out at me. There are horrors in life we wish we could block or erase. THAT is one of them. I backed-off on bad shower jokes after that….

I admit I FELT for so many women I read the profiles of and BRIEFLY chatted with. So many with very painful stories. How badly men treated them. So many that due to life style choices looked to me like they would never attract a man. There were people suffering obesity. I could see heavy smoking and even alcohol abuse in the faces of others. So many had distorted views of what makes a marriage and a loving relationship. I recall one woman asked me to go to her country where she would cook me food, do all my house work and I felt sick about it and said, “I can do all that myself. I don’t want a woman to be a slave to me!”

What I left the dating site with was a sick sense of SADNESS about so many relationships and people. So many men are on those sites ONLY to manipulate women to be naked. One thing for me to joke about it but damn… other guys were serious! What is the reward for them? MIND FUCKING WOMEN! Being predators. MANIPULATING THEM. As I told some women: “If a man asks that of you, tell them to go to a porn site and jerk off there”.  

I learned through talking to the women on the dating site A GREATER EMPATHY AND COMPASSION FOR WOMEN. I see more of what women face in the world because of men. Their challenges. Their pains, hopes, dreams and desires. In THAT it was worth the price of paying 

One thing I have not been open about to many women and I will liberate myself in saying HERE:  Sexually I am a DUD. I cannot DO anything but dream like the dirty old man so many assume I am. I am still alive in mind and emotion but… dead in physical ways. I can be friendly with women but beyond that I am LITERALLY fucking useless. 

I went there seeking friendship and did find some nice people. I think my time for marriage has come and gone in life. Then again… if an idiot can become president of the USA then maybe I can get laid again 😉

I give up and am now just focusing on survival and being a better person and… never again tossing out that lame joke about showers. Wait… here that noise? That was me tossing out all the sexual innuendos and bad jokes about it. 

Another Aspect Of Our Cold Civil War

Another aspect of our Cold Civil War

I have been on an INTERNATIONAL DATING SITE, seeking female FRIENDS with little confidence in finding a marriage partner. I have seen how our little Cold War has gone beyond the USA. Made contact in an at first pleasant way with a Russian woman. Little pleasantries and then she blew at me with a bunch of pro-trump crap. Byyyyyyyyye!

Then there was the Filipino in South Korea. Sounded nice until I made some disparaging remarks about trump. You know, like he’s a sonofabitch. In the chat she was laughing at me then started to ridicule me a bit and …….. BYYYYYYYE! 

Today an American sent me a message of, “Hi Scott I like your smile”. I told her I practice it a lot and then … checked myself. Uh oh… “trump good or trump bad?” I asked. 

“Trump good!” She replied.

“We would definitely be any kind of a match due to my being very Liberal. Happy hunting!” I said and …

BYYYYYYYYYE!

It’s a world thing, as you see. 

(I am quitting that site soon and going back to the Atheist Monastery I came from)

The Attempted Controlling Power Of Some About Words

Today I was being empathetic to someone that was “separated” and I referred to their ex as an “asshole”. They did not like my language! OH NO! The person said, “I think you  have a problem”. A judgement of my mental health. A person that does not know me at all. I had been trying to help them navigate a dating website. They assumed by my colorful word of language and talkative manner there was something “WRONG” with me and said I should, “get help” NOT KNOWING A DAMNED THING ABOUT ME. I cheerfully replied that I am “creative and smart”.  Due to problems as a child I grew-up on that attitude that I had “problems”. I DID see psychiatrists and DID GET HELP. I got it all  my life. Others believe themselves flawless and totally sane but hide the screaming inside and are in DENIAL of it all. THEY are the one’s that need the most… HELP. We parted ways probably ways, blocking each other. Tsk tsk. It reminds me of something I was thinking about today, about how so many people want to judge us and CONTROL us in how and what we SAY.  

You see I get that a lot. 

From FAMILY (HELLO FAMILY READING THIS!)

I get a lot of, “OH DON’T SAY THAT!”

Or, “Don’t say that word!” Or use THAT word in THEIR house.

I recently had a girl friend who, a few years ago disliked my using the word, “FUCK”. Very common word here in the USA. Very colorful. I told her I would use it when and how I wanted to. Not for me to change for others in that respect. Now using it in a shop or other such place… nah! 

WORDS HAVE ONLY THE MEANING WE GIVE THEM. 

THEY HAVE ONLY THE POWER WE GIVE THEM. 

Like magic spells.

Like FUCKING magic spells. 

If someone calls me a “mother fucker” it has only as much power as I give it. HOW I react to it. Should I go into a rage, offended by it as an insult or…. “Meh! So what”

The peaceful way is to laugh it off. 

Power removed. 

Give it your best word shot.

People use WORD OUTRAGE AS A WAY TO CONTROL.

“Don’t” is a big part of that control

DO NOT.

STOP SIGN ON WORD USE!

Having realized this I see how people try to control each other. Such as in the case of religion. Oh do not say this or that it is blasphemous! Do not say shit, fuck etc etc because it is OFFENSIVE TO GOD!  I think that if a god is so offended by some words and not doing shit about the horrors of the world, THAT is one fucked-up god! God can be more preoccupied being outraged and wincing about… “fuuuuuuck!” Than it is about child rape and torture. God is one fucked-up thing.

CONTROL. 

Not like a GOD thinks words are bad. Since it does not exist. It is the control freak believers of gods that think some words are bad. Were it not for some words like… (ok you know them all) control freaks, religious or otherwise would have less stupid shit to try to control people with.

So now I have a very liberated attitude about those that would try to “DON’T” me to not use whatever words I want. I have a message for them about trying to control how I talk, live and think:

PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELVES!

The Creature From The Closet

This morning I opened the door of a closet in my kitchen I do not use. There was a toaster oven I had avoided using for months due to a break-up. It was time to put the past to rest and use the thing. As I was pulling it out, a strange long armed creature stuck it’s arm out to grab mine. I kept carrying the oven out with the creature hanging on me. Setting the oven down, I looked at the thing that had attacked me:

A potato.

It had sprouted in the dark.

For MONTHS!

The potato had fallen behind the oven and in the dark, grew sprouts reaching for the warmth of a window beyond the closet door. Reaching for LIFE. Reaching for LIGHT. 

The potato had probably been much bigger but the sprouts had used all the energy of the body. It was shrunken and the  3 sprouts that had seemed to cling to my arm were pale and purple at the same time. I remembered I had a pot of soil in my spare bedroom (storage). I cleaned some debris off it and dug into the dirt and placed the potato in the dirt, put it with my house plants near a big window and soaked it with water. 

I felt a need to reward this thing with some nurturing after the months of mindless toil and desperate growth. It was no longer a “thing” to me. I realized it had been born in my imagination as a “creature” before it could be a “thing”. Potted to try to give it more life, it became a thing. If it takes the buried reach of nurturing I gave it, it will become another house plant thing. All my house plants are like harmless stupid people. They sit, mind their own business and grow or wither and die. I play god with them and the sun-god helps me. 

It never ceases to amaze me how life is TRYING all the time on this planet. Rising from the most adverse even poisonous of circumstances. It reminds me of how there is a SEED of that in all of us. From our own darkness, with a spark of hope, we try to reach out and GROW and reach for life. A better life than the darkness of our own inner closets. 

A Day At Work

I almost got another hernia at work this morning. I was talking with the guys that work the loading dock and one of them pointed to a crudely written sign on a wall that read, “JIM IS A BITCH!” I started laughing. Then H pointed to another much larger on another wall that said, “JIM IS A BITCH!”. I was crying and holding my poor guts. Big breakfast eater I am. Crying. Gasping. What did Jim DO to deserve such attention? He erased some note of work starting date by H. It was a joke for me all day. As I mentioned to the boss, “This is going to make Jim a very important person! People will come to the loading dock and see THAT SIGN and wonder who this BITCH JIM is? What made him so infamous? MAYBE someone, when asked will point to Jim and say, “yes that is Jim the Bitch”. Our maintenance man that says “fuck” every other word. Knows it all. Inspired me to repeat to him what my dad used-to say to me many times: “Try listening for once! Just shut-up and listen!”. A lesson in talking mouthes, babbling minds in motion and only talking shit and fuck every other word. Ahhh well I love Jim. He is a character. He was in the military and knows all there is to know about bombs and guns. Doubt if he ever read a book about such.
As I told H, “I am going to be VERY careful with you so that I do NOT get MY name on that loading dock wall so that people can pass me working, nod knowingly and go, “ahhhh so that is SCOTT that is a ________”. I think and hope that H and B and I are all cool. As I told H, ” I never mess with anyone. If I don’t like them I try to get along with them or ignore them.”
Speaking of which…
The company ass kisser of Forever left for a week. Walking through the parking lot I noticed his van was not there. Ahhhhhh. His van sounds like it is going to explode any moment when he drives it. It stinks too. Old piece of shit but runs. $3000 in repairs would help. When we pull out of the parking lot after work, I keep a distance expecting that thing to blow any moment. We wouldn’t miss M because…
When I got inside the factory, there was a sense of almost … JOY. Because M the ass kisser was not there. He is the kind of idiot that will stoke the wood burning furnace so it is HOT in there so HE CAN WEAR SHORTS! It was nice to feel a faint chill.
Then I saw those notes on the loading dock wall….
Angry Bob (brain damaged worker – yes literally) asked me about some material. I had no idea what he was talking about. He was getting flustered and with Bob, there is some mild anxiety he could explode through the windshield of reality and hurt people. Nice guy otherwise. But … gotta be careful with someone whose first name is, “angry”. I think? Ok maybe “Bob” is. I smiled at Bob and said, “oh yeah you are right (you crazy brain damaged fuck!) that stuff is there for M to work on.” (Ok now go out and smoke for a while and look angry. Bob.)
No squirrel to greet me after work for a peanut butter hand out. Will have to buy it a watch or something. Note to self on shopping list: NON SALTED PEANUTS FOR SQUIRREL.

Dreams Relative To Current Physical Ability

Last night I dreamed that I was running. I have not been able to run in over 20 years. Some of the places I was running in were weirdly familiar, a mix of memory of local places. Reality and fiction pasted, quilted together. I did not feel my breathing. I did not feel an exertion. I felt movement looking around me. I was aware I was running. I was running at times very slow but I was running. Other times I thought oh I am running for 12 hours this is normal and I am faster than many others! I was often racing past people in such dreams. All this normal in a dream of a few minutes.  I awoke from the dream realizing that I often dream of running. Long ago I was a distance runner. It was the greatest joy I have ever had  – except perhaps the years when I had a dog.  I remembered having dreams many years ago when I WAS a runner, of FLYING like a bird. Jumping and my body floating to where I wanted to go. Like a balloon or human bird. At times I still feel I should be able to do that while awake. To defy gravity as I live.


Maybe some day when older, I will simply have dreams of being able to walk. Yes last night I dreamed of walking…

Relationship Ending At 63

(Long winded getting shit off my chest blog post)

Today I ended a “relationship” with a woman. Foreigner not living in her home country. We met on a Foreign dating site. Started as friends and then love blossomed. She was going to come here to a visit a couple years ago. Cancelled it and said she got a headache and the airline had the pilot stop in SWITZERLAND to put her up in a hotel due to her headache. She was flying from Denmark. The USA is to the WEST not EAST. She had given me a story of where she was booked to stay for a night in NYC etc. When I could not reach her I called the hotel and they said they had nobody by THAT name or race. She finally called me on the phone, crying and told me her bullshit story. At first I believed it, then talked to some friends and they said it was BULLSHIT. I let it go but it was a festering sore for a couple years. 

She came to visit for real a couple winters ago and it all went well sort of. She stayed in my bedroom most of the time using her laptop. I drove her around a bit. Met some family but she seemed to spend most of her short stay in bed just sleeping. It was a bit weird to be honest but we got along.

She came a second time over a year ago. At Christmas. Immigration were shits with her. Interrogated her. Asian not muslim so should have been no problem. AGAIN she spent most of the time. I bought her a laptop to use. I took her to an asian market and she cooked. She drank a bit. We went to see some of my family, talking about marriage. At one point she thought I said something a relative said. We got home and she literally attacked me screaming and hitting me. I just held her off. No hitting back. That night I hid the knives. She acted so deranged. I tried to let THAT go but it was scary. We were supposed to see an attorney about getting married but she had wanted to just hole up alone. Very weird. THEN she went nuts assuming I had said something innocuous I had not.

I had seen problems but TRIED to let them go.

All for the team! 

Just to keep things flowing and going and having SOMEONE in my life. Yeah, desperation. I was very friendly and sent videos and letters. She at first insisted I not call her but she could call me. I would let that CONTROL thing go then it would be humiliating and I would try to make things change. Normal for BOTH people to call each other on something like Messenger on Facebook. After a while she said her phone would not receive calls on Messenger. Ah ok a technical issue. More bullshit. Lies I am sure. 

That whole control thing she had of me doing everything on her terms grew resentment and dread BECAUSE we agreed she would come here again to LIVE in this spring. I kept looking at how she lied about not coming here and would not admit it. Over and over. Finally she said she would tell me WHY but only to my face. HERE. I called, “bullshit”. I just assumed she got cold feet and then lied about it too proud to admit she was afraid. 

That was another thing about her: NEVER admitted to being WRONG. It was always someone else’s fault. When I disagreed with her or caught her in a lie, she accused me of being a “bully” which is the opposite of what kind of man I am. If anything, I am TOO passive. Too easy going and NICE. 

Things built-up. 

On the way to work on Valentines Day, I realized a great realization about my life: I HAD ALWAYS CHOSEN WOMEN THAT NEEDED A WHITE KNIGHT. They were hurting and so I tried to help and heal them. Things always broke-up when I was no longer needed. I remember hearing someone tell me I had a “white knight” syndrome. Trying to help and save women. I saw that is how I was with my now PAST girl friend. I saw she was a very sad woman and wanted to raise her up. I DID but found she is probably a pathological liar that will not admit to doing any wrong and then blames others. 

Recently in 2 of her calls to me (AT HER TIME ON HER TERMS) she asked if I was going for a walk. I was shocked because I had told her several times it is hard to walk HERE because of great amounts of ICE. I had mentioned it often including a fall I took on my porch due to ice. I mentioned my fasting on Fridays and she did not know what I was talking about EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TALKED ABOUT DOING IT FOR NEARLY A YEAR! Almost every Friday I fast for 24 or more hours. I told her about it many times. MANY. It was like talking to a stranger. 

I realized on Valentines Day I did NOT LOVE THAT WOMAN. Marrying her would have been living hell. I wrote a very dry UNEMOTIONAL letter noting 8 points that we needed to address for things to go on. No attacking etc. Logical. She responded with anger and hysterics accusing me once again of being a “bully”. NOT addressing anything I wrote. Ahhhh I was attacking her! 

For once in my life I finally got tired of it all and said…

“Fuck off”. 

All contact information deleted. 

So… at 63 how do I feel about this?

Sad and empty. 

JUSTIFIED.

RELIEVED. 

No more waiting for calls I cannot make to them.

No more putting myself in a HERE BOY! Position. 

No more being treated like a fool that forgives lies. 

No more dreading a marriage that would have been hell. Battered man?

I am of the age where I do not need the bullshit. Better to be alone than with someone that makes my life a living hell.

Yes I feel relieved.

If I cannot trust someone, I cannot love them. 

I think I am too damned old to go looking for a partner anymore. 

Now then… shave the beard or keep it?  😉

An Insight Into My Mother’s Life And I

Today at work, remembering my mother (who died in 2001) I had a new insight into our relationship. I was very close to her due to being the “baby” or last born of the kids. I nearly died a few times. 18 months and then later a fall through some ice I tactfully told mom about later. I was the troubled kid that was put into a mental hospital at age 7. Outpatient. Anxiety disorder. No idea what they called it back in the ’60’s. It left it’s scars. Later I was the druggy drunk kid and adult. When I got a decent job and moved out of my parents house, I would call mom one or 2 times a day. Something like that. Or not for a few days. Depending on the mood and dramas. Mom was always concerned. He little boy was always a fucking SOAP OPERA! 😉 I still have amused memories of mom gasping in disbelief as I told her about some romantic thing with a woman or work happening. Dad hearing her and yelling at ME to not excite mom! I know he was jealous. You see the INSIGHT here comes remembering her reactions and her boring house wife life. Raising a family and then when the kids gone, caring for her retired grouchier and grouchier husband.


I was entertainment for mom. I gave her adventures in the rough world of the factory. I sadly told her about some of my drinking and humorous stupid things doing that. I hurt myself a lot but never went to jail much to mom’s relief. My adventures in all my tragedies gave her life more life. I sit here snickering thinking about how my crazy life was better than a lot of TV. I would make mom LAUGH too. I seem to have inherited a sense of humor from dad. I know mom looked forward to hearing my stories. Scott, the wild man of the family 😉


Eventually I got my shit together.I saw I was an alcoholic and quit. Not a hard had bad drinker just… someone that drank enough to realize they could not stop and would eventually kill themselves or others as well. I remember calling mom and telling her after some months I had quit and was doing well. A pause on the line. Then, “Scott, you’ve finally grown-up”. That happened before she got cancer. When she was dying she had the comfort of knowing her son had quit being an extreme asshole 😉 As she was dying I continued to call her and try to entertain her. Not with tragedy and stupidity but just… life.


I have good memories of mom. I don’t need a Mother’s Day to think lovingly of her 😉

Meeting And After Meeting An Old Woman At The Grocery Store.

Today after work I did a little grocery shopping. BAD time to go shopping. Hungry and exhausted. Staggering a bit from fatigue and pain in a few places. As I shopped I heard and old woman’s voice talking to someone. Her husband I suspected. A few minutes later I saw an old man trudging with great purpose and weariness down an aisle looking for something. Within a minute I saw an old woman sitting on some kind of cart. As I approached her I saw a woman stop and ask if she was ok. The woman smiled and said something. I got to her and made some little joke she laughed at. She said she was waiting for her husband to return. He was off looking for something. Remembering the man I had seen, I said I had just seen him. The woman told me she was 87 (Born in 1932)  and  that she was too old for shopping. I felt she DID enjoy it as a part of life. She complained of the store having coffee all over the place. I only knew of 1. I guess there were specials in displays. As we chatted or tried to (she was hard of hearing and did not hear half of what I said) 4 people stopped to ask if she was ok. I told 2 of them I had seen her husband. The old woman and I laughed about that. What was joyful to me was that so many people stopped to ask how the woman was. If they could help her. Different races asked her.  I thought about her. About she and her husband. Probably a long marriage together. I wondered about them. Their life together. What joys and pains shared. What sorrows. 

I realize now that she was much younger than my own parents.  My mother could have baby sat her!  She would have been a KID to my mother and father! For example my mother, born in 1924. My father in 1920. Mom would have been 95 this year and dad, 99 had they lived this long. Those born in the 1930s are VERY old and dying out. Those after beginning to. Even MY generation is beginning to die out. I always marveled at what my parents had seen. What progress. My mother never knew of iPhones having died in 2001. Dad may have heard of them but never seen  one having died in 2008. I remember the excitement of a black and white television when I was a kid. My parents knew the wonder of computers but never experienced them as part of their lives. They were distant things of wonder. I wonder what the last great WOW technology will be for me before I die. Perhaps nothing because even now, so much has becoming boring. Smart phones boring having  exhausted their WOW factor. Now the only “wow” factor are the prices on them. The same with computers. Even films full of great special effects. Robots are something I have lived with for much of my life in science fiction and now in reality. 

My parents grew-up with the wonders of nature they took for granted.  It was part of their life, especially my father. There were old growth forests and clean water in abundance. 

I think now of what would create a sense of wonder to me in my old age. What would be the greatest sense of “WOW” to me? Would it be some technological break through?

No. If it could be made to happen somehow… it would be to see old growth forests and waters that are clean. Air pure and fit to breathe. 

Memories

Yesterday at work, the owner of the company went on and on about some stupid shit that happened at the company a few years ago. He wanted to make me feel uncomfortable about it. A few people had blown their holiday pay by being late. I was one of them. I think? I know I was one year. I then begged for him to let it slide. I don’t remember the incident. I believe it happened. The Owner kept going on and on about some “cosmic meaning” and I told him I don’t believe in that shit and told him it was weird he hung on to that memory. I walked away letting him babble on. 

Mental Babylon. 

Today a coworker rattled off the particulars and people of a time years ago. I vaguely remembered it. I never think stuff from work is worth remembering. It all seems to blend together. Of no importance to me unless it was an extreme event. 

Mental Babylon. 

So many hold onto memories that have meaning to them but are nothing  to me. I know that many things I remember are nothing to others. I don’t remember that much it seems to me. It feels like heavy lifting. Holding on to memories. I vaguely remember girl friends and events in those relationships. I have few memories of anything in my school years except for the extremely traumatic. Yet others remember so many details – or claim to. To me it’s hoarding. What THEY may remember is different from others of the same event. Sometimes memory is just PAINFUL. Such as for example, remembering what my dog looked like. I don’t want to remember. I do not want to remember how much I loved him and what great times we had. How he died. Yes I remember THAT. I don’t want to inflict pain on myself with memory. 

I think it’s a good thing in me that I don’t remember a lot. I don’t hold onto stuff. I think now that the mind needs to travel light. Let go of the baggage and keep open to the present not weighed down by the past.