A Day At Work

I almost got another hernia at work this morning. I was talking with the guys that work the loading dock and one of them pointed to a crudely written sign on a wall that read, “JIM IS A BITCH!” I started laughing. Then H pointed to another much larger on another wall that said, “JIM IS A BITCH!”. I was crying and holding my poor guts. Big breakfast eater I am. Crying. Gasping. What did Jim DO to deserve such attention? He erased some note of work starting date by H. It was a joke for me all day. As I mentioned to the boss, “This is going to make Jim a very important person! People will come to the loading dock and see THAT SIGN and wonder who this BITCH JIM is? What made him so infamous? MAYBE someone, when asked will point to Jim and say, “yes that is Jim the Bitch”. Our maintenance man that says “fuck” every other word. Knows it all. Inspired me to repeat to him what my dad used-to say to me many times: “Try listening for once! Just shut-up and listen!”. A lesson in talking mouthes, babbling minds in motion and only talking shit and fuck every other word. Ahhh well I love Jim. He is a character. He was in the military and knows all there is to know about bombs and guns. Doubt if he ever read a book about such.
As I told H, “I am going to be VERY careful with you so that I do NOT get MY name on that loading dock wall so that people can pass me working, nod knowingly and go, “ahhhh so that is SCOTT that is a ________”. I think and hope that H and B and I are all cool. As I told H, ” I never mess with anyone. If I don’t like them I try to get along with them or ignore them.”
Speaking of which…
The company ass kisser of Forever left for a week. Walking through the parking lot I noticed his van was not there. Ahhhhhh. His van sounds like it is going to explode any moment when he drives it. It stinks too. Old piece of shit but runs. $3000 in repairs would help. When we pull out of the parking lot after work, I keep a distance expecting that thing to blow any moment. We wouldn’t miss M because…
When I got inside the factory, there was a sense of almost … JOY. Because M the ass kisser was not there. He is the kind of idiot that will stoke the wood burning furnace so it is HOT in there so HE CAN WEAR SHORTS! It was nice to feel a faint chill.
Then I saw those notes on the loading dock wall….
Angry Bob (brain damaged worker – yes literally) asked me about some material. I had no idea what he was talking about. He was getting flustered and with Bob, there is some mild anxiety he could explode through the windshield of reality and hurt people. Nice guy otherwise. But … gotta be careful with someone whose first name is, “angry”. I think? Ok maybe “Bob” is. I smiled at Bob and said, “oh yeah you are right (you crazy brain damaged fuck!) that stuff is there for M to work on.” (Ok now go out and smoke for a while and look angry. Bob.)
No squirrel to greet me after work for a peanut butter hand out. Will have to buy it a watch or something. Note to self on shopping list: NON SALTED PEANUTS FOR SQUIRREL.

DOING GOD’S WORK

Was looking for my coworker Jim today. Had some wood for him to machine. When I found him he said that he had been, “Doing god’s work”.  I did not know what he was talking about. Assumed he was talking about some bible stuff. Spreading the word of the gospel and all that. Maybe going out and preaching to people. No, he said he had been pinching a loaf. Taking a dump etc. I finally understood: “Oh you were DEFECATING! TAKING A SHIT!” He said yeah like he said, “doing god’s work”.  I was laughing. Ok what did god have to do about going toilet? Was he taking a shit for god? I told him every other word he says is “fuck” and he gives me that stuff about GOD?

It did make me think.

Maybe I have been wrong about what some religious people have been meaning all my life. When they said they WERE doing, “god’s work” what they meant was they were GOING POOP! Ohhhhh wow. All those years all those religious people that were NOT out proselytizing but GOING POOP! All those people that came to my door to do “god’s work” were there to use my toilet for god! 

Now when I hear someone talking with passion about how they are doing GOD’S WORK! I will nod and go ohhhhh I know that you have to GO POOP FOR GOD! 

Got it. 

Later in the day I said to Jim, “If going poop is going poop for god, who are you pissing for? Jesus? The Holy Spirit?” He could give me no answer but did laugh with me. 

I told my boss about it and we agreed that in another country and with another religion, saying anything about god and defecation in the same sentence would get that person stoned and or killed.  Christianity and the USA… what a weird mix. Add to that red neck stupid. 

Looking Back At Myself Long Ago Having Sex

Sometimes I remember some of the wild sexual times I had when I had wild sexual times. They play across my mind briefly like snips of porn movies. Unlike porn movies, I feel guilty and not bored as I would these days. Guilty because I feel like I am watching a family member have sex. You know: You open a door and OH SHIT THAT MAN THAT LOOKS LIKE ME IS HAVING SEX!!!!!! Oh and who is he WITH? Aw shit. Forgot her name already. It will come to me… I just hope MY name never comes to her … so long ago it was. 

Then I close the door on those memories but creep away not being guilt ridden but over ridden by my perfectionistic impulses these days. Hey let’s go back and tell that man how to do better…

“Better” THESE days would be… Ok don’t be in such a damned hurry to get her clothes off. NO PAWING, DAMMIT! STOP THE PIG MAN ACT! Hi hey let’s just take it slow and watch a movie for a while or hey let’s NOT do THAT tonight we can wait until we are BOTH in the mood. Drink? Hey I think I’ll take your suggestion and try being sober now…

Yeah THAT would have been better with everyone but… AND hey kid – next time you do THAT for an hour on such rough carpet, have the fore sight to wear some knee pads. Oh and Bring her a pair too. Yeah baby got this stuff for us both. It’s another form of… safe sex.