Tool Box, Tools Not Included


I sometimes whimsically think that we are all born with a tool box but with only the most basic tools of our genes and DNA included. The rest is what WE find. What WE CHOOSE to put in it or not. We often put things in that box that don’t work for fixing things in ourselves and our lives. It is often trial and error. The things we learn in formal schooling are often like a baffling useless pile of instructions for a machine that only half works: That world around us. 

We have that box like your ordinary work person but we don’t often realize we have it. For much of our lives we just takes things and throw them inside and somehow they find their way into that box. The one a floor or two down from that toy box in the attic of our minds 😉

We listen to love songs, watch romance films and put them in our tool box and think, “ah this will fix it! It seems to be right in songs and movies! Those artists must be some wise folks to make some things so many like. Then we find…

Damn those songs and movies are all bullshit!

We take them and toss them out of our tool box. 

We listen to friends and family about life, school work and relationships. Some of us read books or “self help” manual books and toss this stuff in our box. Then later, bruised a bit inside we glower at something that was not a good tool and toss it out, where like a bad memory or a computer file it is either hidden up in the mind attic or put in the trash to be deleted. 

Some of us try religion or RELIGIONS and think, “ah hah! Found the answer!” and toss a bunch of religious works into the Box. Then later, (as I found) disillusioned and disgusted, take them out and toss them out. Same with philosophies. Finally we find that manual or manuals; those tools that we feel … WORK for us in life. 

We all seem to be charged at birth with being self-mechanics. Here you go! You are BORN! Now learn how to FIX the machine you are! 

Many constantly look for others to be their mechanics. Sometimes some will never admit that that machine is NOT working and no need for a toolbox to fix it because THEY are always o…. k…. 

In a recent troubled time I thought, “tool box” and that sonofabitch appeared inside! WOW COOL! Got me a box full of tools I can use. A box I started long ago putting things in and taking them out to use or discard. Hmmm hurting yourself… not a tool. It’s a turd that fell into this box! Toss it out! Hurting others… whoa! Another turd but this one on fire! Throw it away and delete that one! 

Tools in the box are what works and work to fix that machine we are and are in life. 

You know how you take a car to a mechanic because it is not working right? That funny noise it makes in the engine? They don’t let that car leave until the source of the noise is fixed. So it is I think with ourselves. We have that machine inside this body machine and when things are broken or messed-up, there are noises it makes. WE make in mind and emotion. Sometimes some insulation of DENIAL thrown over it to muffle the sound. A good mechanic won’t let that machine leave the repair shop until the noises are gone or quieted. So it is with our minds: We work on them or TRY to using all the tools in the box or even the garage or shed. 

I have known people that had exhausted their tool box and had to borrow others or simply gave up fixing things and threw the tool box out with their mind in it. At times I felt I had lost mine such as in times of depression (like recently) then … Whoa! Found that sucker! Back in business again!

I have realized that no matter how low and lost you go in life, got to remember WE ALL HAVE A TOOL BOX INSIDE. Most of the time something useful in there. If not, go rummage in life and find tools that fit you for the fixin’ and fit in the box for another day. 

Recently thinking about this, I have looked inside, in their and at age 62 had to SMILE about what a nice full box I have of useful things. 

I have realized too that unconsciously I have gone up into my attic at times, opened the toy box of broken toys and fixed a few so I can face my past and present and lessen the noise of that engine so that yeah it’s plenty safe to drive this vehicle out of the repair shop for some nice journeys in life. 

Toxic Relationship Exit

It is amusing to me in a sad way that I have never understood how someone could stay with another person that made their life miserable. Such as people in abusive relationships. Women that stay with men that abuse them mentally, physically or both. Or, vice versa. I know that there is a fear involved. A fear of being alone or of the unknown without A RELATIONSHIP. 

I used to not understand how people could get into such relationships until recently I found myself in such. It crept up on me like my past addictions. I was and have been in denial of it until today when it all came together when I wrote a note to someone and SAW it for myself. Writing it out was like drawing an image for me to see and understand. 

I have had a long distance relationship with a woman who came to visit me 2 times. Dedication and sacrifice on her part. When she was here we had some good times but some troubling signs of things that could happen in the future. For some odd reason she got agitated and started to throw punches at me. I calmed her down. It became very serious on her second trip here. She imagined I had said something I had not (it was another person in the same room while we visited a relative of mine). Again, I got her to calm down but I realized something was OFF in her. She had told me that she had got a divorce because her husband was abusive and controlling. She showed such behavior in this relationship. Over the past 2 years I have tried to accommodate her. Give and take but it became all my give. I let HER set the rules and boundaries SHE wanted to and I went with them. Eventually it has led to time constraints set by her of 1 video chat per week. I used-to email her and send audio messages then she said there were problems with both. SHE did not send any audio or video messages. SHE set the times for calling on HER terms. Like a person in an abusive relationship I agreed to it all until I realized I WAS acting like a person in an abusive relationship. I was too cowardly too AFRAID of being alone to say “NO”.

Until it all came together.

I am 62 and and fear being alone for the rest of my life. My former girl friend had said she wanted to marry me but there has been no movement on that. Things have hit a dead zone. I have come to see I live WAITING for her calls and it is…



I cannot see the future. Maybe being alone is my destiny in life. Being afraid of being alone is worse than being alone I have realized. 

Humiliation and emasculation are worse than being alone. They rob a person of their dignity and self esteem. 

I told my former GF I have been SO depressed that I have had suicidal fantasies. Not just because of her, but various other things in life with that. It is a wake-up call in life to make some changes. That something is very fucked-up in me and my life. You know that when you are so miserable in life because of debt, work, the scrambled crap of your life inside AND a relationship that is making you so miserable that you have fantasies of hanging yourself and wonder if you CAN kill yourself with a plastic bag over your head that something is seriously fucked-up … and needs to change. 

Yes I have been in an abusive relationship. 

A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP THAT IS POISONING ME. There is no fun no joy in it. It is torture. Reason for staying in it? Oh that old one of fear of being alone or not being able to find something better. 

I see that now.

The POSITIVE here is that I have quit addictions in my life. Drugs. Alcohol. Economic stupidity. Bad dietary habits. Self-destructive behaviors of all kinds. 

New one for me: Toxic Relationships. 

Easy to quit on the internet or with family members. Such as if one family member is a trump supporter, accept them as beyond redemption in life 😉

I see people in abusive relationships in a new light now. I am there. Living the poison by hanging on. The abuse comes with continuing. By hanging in there and hoping the other will change to be better. After some years of toxicity I see they won’t. 

As that is the case, find the courage for change and move out. Move on. Face that fear of the unknown. Of change. Of being alone. Comforting rational note to myself? Hey if THAT OTHER person has no time for me and I am alone all the time anyway…?  All I am missing is the pain.

Gosh I feel better already … moving on …

The Constant Battle With A Ghost

In mind 

I often feel eternally young

Yet beset 



By the ghost of an old man with my Face.

The ghost was not always there

It was a face that slowly grew

With age


Pressure on mind and body slightly bending my back

Wrestling with my mind


And Attitudes.

I often see that ghost forcing his spectral hands inside me

I shake


Twist and RAGE

To push him away…

“Leave me alone old man

Oh Age

I am young eternally young inside…”

“Yes” He whispers…

“That may be so inside but look…

Look what my grasp has done to your body

Look at what my bullying of your flesh has done!

Look in the mirror and see my face!”

“I see and feel what you have done to me 

I resist you

I fight you

I damn you to distance me

And when I look in the mirror, 

I DON’T see your face!

I see that mind’s eye view 

Of that young man NOT grown OLDER

But simply wiser…

Weaker and weakening in body 

Still young in mind and heart

Stronger in heart and soul … and still … forever young. 

Others may see me as the old man I see in the ghost assaulting me

A ghost I fight every day 

Every moment

Yet when I die

Your face will not be Mine:

When I am dying and dead, 

I know people will be heard to say, “my, but he looks so YOUNG in death…”””

My youth … pouring out of me, 

Released and free from that battle with the ghost of an aging self. 


When I was a boy

I explored underground tunnels I could walk through

Water flowing 

Constant echoes

Sometimes I saw a face in a distant darkness

An old man’s glowing bald head

Peering at me from that darkness

Trying to talk to me

Beckoning to me to follow him into the darkness.

I remember that boy

Those tunnels I walked through

That face I saw

That raspy whispering voice.

Looking in the mirror sometimes…

I see that THAT face I saw so long in the echoing darkness

Was my face

Is MY face                     


(Oh what would have happened had I ran through the darkness after the old man’s face that is MY face now…

Oh what would have happened to the boy that I was…

Had I met the old man I am now…

In the darkness

In my Echoes. )

“Sin” And An Atheist

It’s a funny thing.

I sit here with maybe $7 in my checking account. In a way, that’s a good thing because this morning I threw all BUT that $7 at my debts. It is to atone for my sins.

My sins against myself.

Sure I’m an atheist but there IS a thing I believe is “SIN”.

To miss your mark.

To Err.

To fuck-up in life.

So what do you do when you do all that with your life?

You pay for it or try to if you have any honor, maturity or decency and a desire to raise your head higher.

I fucked-up a lot in life.

In that, I have been a “sinner”.

Not in any religious sense but a LIFE sense.

I have sinned against MYSELF. 

But I want to feel better about myself and make it right. Make life right. Prove to myself …

Screw it.

Nothing to prove just…

REDEMPTION for my sins against myself.

You see religious language is a part of life and culture. So many of us grow up with it. The language is a part of our life but the MEANINGS of that language change or become more adaptable to our own lives.



I have sinned against myself many times. Yet I am a man of CONSCIENCE and that too is a part of the language but a word rarely used in religion but more a life word. I use it a lot because I see so many lacking it.

It has nothing to do with any god.

It has to do with your Self as a good person or a pile of human shit.

I am a good person of Conscience.


I sin and I seek redemption within my own Conscience.

Because of it.

Where does “conscience” come from? I believe it’s a DNA thing or learned, like HONOR.

What matters is that when we sin



If you have any good any conscience in you,

Reach for redemption. 

Make yourself feel good about yourself and … the world.

I know it sounds arrogant but… and hope there are others that feel and live the same way as you in that.

But without as many fuck-ups. 


Syria is a grave yard,

The living dead chasing the dying. 

A country of broken people,


Destroyed cities. 

The only thing worth fighting for, 

A tyrants ego whispering serpentine

“I won”

from a palace 

In the middle of a charnel house of a grave yard country. 

Fearing Trump

I do not fear you

Nor rage against you

Howling at you through the soul of the World

For what you would do to me

For how you would destroy ME,


I fear you

And rage against you

Howling at you through the souls of all you can destroy in this world

For what you would do to US

For how you would torture, cripple, drive insane and exterminate,


The people

The Life

In this world

Through your idiocy


Stupidity and LACK of anything decent 

As exists in all whom you would destroy. 


Friday night the world could have ended or started to end because the USA has an idiot for a leader. Regretfully or gratefully, people were more concerned about tabloid bullshit like pee tapes, crooked attorneys and porn stars that fucked an idiot. 

That night I did a freak-out about the IDEA of ANY US bombing of Syria. Why? BECAUSE as so many do not understand, IF the US forces were to kill Russian forces, they would attack US forces and as Mattis and his generals know so well, it would be an escalation, a tit for tat that would probably lead to a nuclear war. The majority of Americans AND OTHERS do not understand that whole “nuclear war” thing. Many just think of a few little bombs like those that were dropped on Nagasaki and Hiroshima that killed ROUGHLY OVER 200,000 people. The lucky one’s were those closest to the blast. Those nukes WERE LITTLE BOMBS COMPARED TO WHAT WE HAVE NOW! There seems an assumption by many that many would survive a nuclear blast. Oh the OTHER guys would get it but not them.


The nukes now are … big. City destroyers. IF the USA and Russia were to go to war with nuclear weapons it would be an extinction event. Nobody would sit back and say oh have we destroyed enough of you guys? No it would be a full on shoot all your wad event. Cities destroyed and then fallout destroying countries of the combatants AND the world. 

IF 2 idiot countries like India and Pakistan were to have a nuclear war, it would most likely be enough radiation released to create a nuclear winter that few if any would survive.

So you see, a little bit of general knowledge about such things can scare the crap out of a person. Then you shrug and say ok “death by idiots”.

THAT brings me to the relevance of TRUMP. Here we have a tweeting IDIOT. A person of very limited intellect and unstable temperament. THIS is a person that wanted to shoot the shit out of Syria because of A use of chemical weapons use on their population. The leader of Turkey made a comment something like, hey after 7 years of hundreds of thousands dying by all ways you suddenly give a damn about 1 chemical weapons use? Where the hell were you for 7 years?

People are STUPID about Syria. They run on ignorance and stupidity I BELIEVE. Assad WON the civil war. It is all a matter of mop-up operations. He is also CLEVER about having Russian allies. The Russians want a few bases in that area so they support Assad. For Assad, from the Russians he gets weapons, technology AND… human shields.


He knows damned well that the USA and NATO countries are NOT going to or PURPOSELY try to kill Russians and so he has them sprinkled around so that they DO NOT blow the shit out of what is left of Syria TO blow the shit out of. Russian bodies are shields that save his ass. 

I tried to explain all this to a Chinese and Russian friend. The Chinese friend did not GET IT but the Russian POLITELY did. That person never speaks of politics but likes to read what I say. It is not healthy to speak of politics in Russia. It may not be so for Americans on the left in the future. 

One thing I DID try hard to convey to my friends is that THEIR leaders are SANE and SMART and the USA… well hey, WE have a very stupid emotionally unstable leader. A leader that can throw a tantrum and destroy all life on earth due to some petty perceived insult in something so immature and intellectually limited as a … twitter tweet.

I have not been so “AFRAID” of a nuclear war it is more like a soup of frustration, anger, outrage even humor… that with all the great minds on this planet that WE the great USA could be destroyed by one of the weakest stupidest many chose to lead us and became our leader through an archaic out-dated system of a democracy that no longer IS a “Democracy”. It’s like the ghost of a soldier looking back and seeing how a cowardly never seen combat before commander was responsible for killing him and so many others…

Death by someone’s stupidity. 

Ok folks… Back to concerns about pee tapes and other stupid shit associated with a stupid shit. We dodged the world’s end thanks to (IRONICALLY) the sensibilities of our own military. 

Osama Bin Laden, Won

When I see the restrictions now placed on ALL visitors to the USA and all domestic flyers by the government of the USA, 

I see that the terrorist Osama Bin Laden won,

A terrorist made the USA 


A nation living in Fear

With an irony that now,

Those who truly create fear

Those who are the true Terrorists

Are those that now wield power

And those so fearful of foreign terrorists

That THEY have BECOME our home grown terrorizing,


A (CYNICAL) Tongue-In-Cheek Origin Of The Universe View


Some time ago I read of how this planet, all life on it and all the planets in the solar system and all the galaxies of the universe are … just a massive science experiment by other super advanced Beings. 

Or the equivalent of someone or thing’s hobby. 

This would show there is a creator or was. Maybe the creator of all this is taking notes and filing reams of data somewhere beyond us. Maybe the creator of all this died out long ago leaving this experiment or hobby to just go on and on until it dies out. Maybe it is still an ongoing thing observed by beings that are immortal.

Our size to them could be as small as a small box is for us. 

WE are the dominant specie in THIS experiment but in another such experiment or hobby maybe… DOGS are or worms or bats or fish. If our (sarcasm coming) great wise leaders blow-up this world, notes are taken and this experiment goes dark and on to the others or another. Maybe they would try again with humanity. Try to eliminate that stupid let’s kill each other gene (if there is such a thing). Maybe it has already done and those notes taken and the experiment results long ago filed away. 

The concept of Religion might be amusing to the creators and observers of us. Such a simplistic stupid destructive idea based on human psychosis and … a denial that this is IT. 

Is it possible that the Experimenters could set in motion the evolution of beings that could be as great as they are? Create themselves? Humanity had that chance. HAS that chance but what we do with nuclear weapons and our resources have shown we are NOT the stuff that would evolve to be equal to the experimenters.

We talk of UFO’s. An amusing concept. Here goes another “maybe”: MAYBE they are probes sent to gather information and then return to the experimenters with a shake of the head of, “no…they have not gone far and are running on stupid and lacking intellect but hey I DID get this hopeful sound from their 1800’s of a being called, “Beethoven” and some others by “Mahler” and the like. There is hope for these life forms THERE.”

With superior beings experimenting, they could be like a child blowing bubbles. Bubbles with the basics of life creation and evolution in them flowing out infinitely with such infinite variables. In a mini sort of way we see that in our universe: What often appears to be life-less masses of gases and minerals. Energy. With no apparent life. There could be infinite MORE such galaxies as ours that mirror us or are incomprehensibly alien to ours and us. 

Humans talk about a “God”. 

I don’t believe in it but 


There is something there…

The great Experimenter or race of BEINGS or energy force that created all this. Put the building blocks of life here and then sat back observing for what could be a few minutes to them or months or who knows what frame of time or no such thing as “time” to them. Our primal creation and evolution to NOW could be a flicker of awareness to THEM. Our own existences – all possibly 108 billion that have been born – the same as dead bacteria in a Petri dish is to us. Someone clean the dishes – that planet that had life on it just flickered out or went KA BOOM! Out. 

Maybe the concept of “god” is the great experimenter. If it is, it is a cold bastard of an experimenter. Like many scientists today. ALIEN as an alien would be. With prophets having nothing to do with them except another manfestation of the insanity that is part of being human and this life created from the building blocks of what was put into what is the equivalent of a Petri dish. 

I can imagine one of the consciousnesses that created this experiment being amused at how some beings try to communicate with them by talking to their hands or yelling at the skies… 

And others creating wonders of science and technology to try to at least show WE EXIST to them or someone or something. Repositories of what we are as humanity and the world. Our form and some samples of our greatest intellect: OUR ART, launched into space far more real and effective yet in the end probably just as ineffectual as prayers.