THE PLAGUE GHOST

The Plague,

A million moment

Billions thought ghost

Hovering over us

Shadowing us

IN us

Haunting our every waking moment.

We go to bed thinking of it

Living it 

Feeling it laughing at us with it’s sickness and death.

For a few hours of restless sleep we find some respite

Then waking

Rising, 

Dressing,

That monstrous ghost is part of what we dress ourselves with

Haunting us

Jeering at us

Maddening us to be for some there worst

For others,

There best,

It all depends upon how each of us faces ghosts in life

And ghosts,

In facing … Death. 

That Near Death Crap

My parents told me that I was near death from spinal meningitis at 18 months. Nearly died from it. Pulled through somehow. 

Near death crap. 

I fell through the ice of a pond far from where anyone could have seen me or helped me. I have no idea how I got out. 

Near death crap.

Drunk, I jumped off a cliff into darkness assuming but not knowing if there was water below and

Not knowing how to swim,

I landed in water with rocks and old machinery around me

Climbed a cliff sobering fast….

Near death crap. 

Tried to kill myself with poison at age 19. A gas of some sort that sent me up a tunnel of light looking down on my body then back with a WHOOSH!

Near death crap.

Had a blood clot in my my leg had an ultra sound and found another about to fall into a big vein and head for the lungs… 

Near death crap. 

Other things happened I 

Things my mind does not want to process again, 

That coulda died

Almost died 

Near death crap

Every day I live in gratitude of being alive

Every day I accept I been living on borrowed time because of those 

Coulda died

Maybe shoulda died’s

Near death craps

Some day that wind is going to whisper too near

And in passing

Reach for me

Bump me harder than all the other times

Kill me with that disease

Keep me under ice

Clot me gasping good

Make me continue on up that bright light tunnel…

So much for near death then…

no more

No more…

I learned to embrace life

Savor so many amazing mundane moments 

Moments that ARE BEING ALIVE

HERE SO REAL 

And not near any death of mine.

Too many feel that puff of wind that nearly sends them over 

Then into that bright tunnel

Coming back 

They never learned

Not a damn thing

Never changed

Never got BETTER

From the teachers of the near deaths

Those great lessons of a gasp in wonder… 

It changed me every time

Shocked into seeing everything

Everyone different

With more beauty

More…. FEELING

An intensity of gaining more life by …

Going to near the near death craps.

How did I ever get this wonderfully far…

What a lesson it all is

Life is so precious after a brush with that dark wind 

Into 

Then out of

That tunnel of light. 

UNFORGIVABLE

Insults

I recently told an ex girl friend that she needed mental help. To see a good therapist because of a traumatic marriage. I meant it in a genuinely helpful way. I have had much therapy in my past and it DID help.  Later I got a message that she did not need any help. She asked if I needed help or maybe I needed mental help. 

It was a HUGE insult because I had told her of some horrors in my past. Years of therapy. She said it maliciously. I felt impaled by the insult and told her it was the last time she would hear from me. I told her I “damned her”. Melodramatic but it was all I could think of. I felt a COLDNESS toward her. An extreme betrayal as so many other women in my life had done to me. BETRAYAL. I had recently helped her a lot. Emotionally I tried to help her. That is a good thing in me: I TRY TO HELP but often it is the most sick people that do not want to help themselves. They seem to enjoy bathing in a poison of the soul. 

All this made me realize what I have thought and felt before: Most “insults” are just harmless stupid childish bullshit. A coworker and I call each other, “fucker” as a joke. People can call me any number of things they think of as  an insult but it means nothing to me because

WE GIVE WORDS MEANING. 

They are like magical spells we give power to.

Tonight, insulted about mental health, having BEEN THERE having had a childhood of being CALLED, “crazy” and many other similar meaning names, I felt stung. HURT bad because they were words that have meaning to me. Words that open doors to darkness inside me. There are some insults that people KNOW are malicious horrible ugly insults and they use them to hurt. They are insults that are UNFORGIVABLE BECAUSE OF THAT COLD CRUEL MALICE. For that, there is no forgiving. An accidental insult of ignorance if forgivable. 

I think that “damn you” for me is closing a door and never looking back. I gave someone chances and I helped them. I realized recently that they DO have some EXTREME mental problems that make the hair rise on my back. She is a parasite that uses and sucks out life. Insults come cold and easy. 

I can joke about most insults because I know the people that are saying them. Even a stranger calling me some name they feel derogatory is not an insult. I give the words no meaning and so they fall away.

But something that touches my dark past and makes it awaken in me screaming in pain? Something said so knowingly emotionally maliciously?

UNFORGIVABLE. 

It All Falls Into Place

When I was born,

I fell into place.

When I was crying in school,

The tears 

The horror

That put me in the psychiatric hospital

Fell Me Into Place.

Falling down drunk

I fell into place,

LIFE fell into place.

Being stupid

Being smart

Rarely cruel

Often kind

It didn’t matter when I think about it all now

Because in this moment,

It All Fell Into Place. 

Married

Divorced

Screaming in rage

Trying to forget

It means nothing

Meant nothing

Because looking at this MOMENT

Fuck it,

It all fell into place. 

Good luck

Bad

Suffering and sublime

It never mattered

Except in every moment nothing good or bad

Painful or joy

Mattered…

Because no matter the drama

The tranquility

It never mattered 

Because it did not matter

As I fell

Life fell

That moment 

Fell into place.

As I looked down into that hole in the ground

Felt the weight of the earth pressing onto my dead body

My soul,

Sensing the grinding of rock upon me

I felt back on all my life

That moment of life

That moment of death

Nothing really mattered 

Because for a moment

There was that feeling of earth and rock

Finalized like every moment between

Everything

Falling in place, 

In It’s Moment

My moments

And everyone’s … Moments.

Struggle

Sometimes I feel lost

Without direction

Wanting, 

NEEDING Direction.

I look inside and find no answer 

No Way

Then I think to look around

Look for someone

Something 

Perhaps a  person

Or a group

To show me the way

A way in which I do not have to think

A way in which some other guides me

Directs me

Without that conflict 

That confusion 

Of where to go

Who to be

Of where I am.

Maybe a god

A leader

A parent could show me the Way…

A way in which I don’t need to struggle 

And just be told

And just be shown

And just be guided

Without thought

That creates such confusion and Struggle.

Then shaking my head

I push away the confusion

I look around and know I am not lost

I am here

The direction is any which way I am facing 

And that struggle is part of life

Is the way I need to be

ALIVE

To go

To Be

Without any son of a bitch to lead me 

Docile 

Leaden eyed

And deaden eyed. 

Kissed By The Dark

I have gone near death and the Darkness of Death many times

Each time that dark 

Has added 

Just a little more Light to me,

Making me Brighter inside

Because of that closeness

That intimacy with death

Mortality.

It creates for me a greater appreciation of life

All the emotions that brighten us

And the lives of those around us.

It magnifies my gratitude to LIFE

Enhances my empathy compassion and Love 

For all around me

And that me I often never appreciate

Going near the dark

Touching it

Being kissed by it’s intimacy,

I glow brighter 

Yet still…

Shudder at that shadowy kiss. 

Dating Site Blue Balls

Experiences, An Online Dating Site

Back in early Spring of this year, I joined a dating site with people from around the world. I was LONELY and honestly felt no great desire to go through the marriage thing with anyone unless a miracle was attached to it. I don’t believe in miracles. I was hoping for to ease my loneliness in life. I did by encountering and befriending a few VERY GOOD NICE PEOPLE. Others… made me feel SAD.  Sometimes dirty. 

The worst of those I encountered were women that ridiculed my age and sometimes just assumed I was or am an old pervert. One said I am SO OLD I have “one foot in the grave”. I wondered which foot and how deep it is.

Others wanted money for video sex shows. I told them thanks but I can see better on Porn Hub. I DO admit that I joked to women about sex and naked stuff but that may be just how so many American men are. We are more stupid about such things than others or maybe it is just me. 

Some KIDS or very young women showed a baby and said they needed money for the baby because the father left them etc…. how true I had no idea. I told them I could not and would not give money and suddenly they lost interest in that nice handsome old man 😉 

2 women wanted me to “sponsor” their birthdays. 1 tempted me by showing herself in a bra. I said ok if you want me to pay for your birthday party be naked for me. SUDDENLY she was a very moral person and got upset with me! How could I SAY such a thing! I told her, “if you can ask someone for money to pay for a fucking birthday party you can show your naked ass!” She lost interest in me. 

Ahhhh and one of the last women was a mother of 5 whose husband had dumped her after beating her. Sent me a nude pic which to me said, “NO! This woman did not have ANY kids!”. I never saw her on webcam and thus had a laugh about it.

Other women my age scared me: WARNING! THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU HAVE A HIGH FAT DIET AND NO EXERCISE! They inspired me to take a look at myself in the mirror and feel disgusted. YES! I AM A FAT PIG THESE DAYS! 

There was one woman that had some of the biggest breasts I have ever seen. Young woman. Always suspicious of such women being so young and interested in ME. She did the standard, “Oh I LIKE older men!” And I would reply to such a comment with: “NOT if you have seen some fat old bastard with a tiny limp dick and a big sagging belly in the shower!”.  THAT woman had a lot of cleavage showing in her profile pic. I wondered what her game was. She asked me if I liked big breasts. I told her breast size is not a big thing to me. Ok bad choice of words there. She sent me 3 pics of her body.  HUGE breasts! TIGHT skinned. Surprisingly flat abdomen. I said something like very nice but I think breast reduction is a good idea in the future. She surprisingly agreed. The next day I asked how she was and (drum roll here it comes…….!) ……………….. She said she was hungry and did not have money for food. Yes she had money for internet service but not for food. I could see what her game was. Cynical me. Show your boobs to many men then get the pity and hardship going. Same thing with many that had kids and needed diaper money etc. Many years ago I talked to a woman that had worked a dating site. She told me bluntly that there are groups of women recruited with babies or even borrow the babies of others to do that heart string pull thing for money. 

As a bit of a shit and a realist, when some told me they needed money and were doing their begging or wanting money for a birthday party or this or that I suggested they do the naked webcam thing for money which is profitable if they do it right. I told them just do not show your face! IRONY IS… is ok to BEG for money on dating sites but not to go … THERE and do THAT.  If someone wants to insult me by trying to play me I will throw it back at them. 

I am an Atheist. Many on the site were filipinos who were deeply religious but had had men that may have gone to confession a lot but left and sinned a lot more. The women were often horrified that I did not believe in god!

The BEST women I met were… Buddhist. Very cool people. Not throwing religion around but I DID notice a big flaw in Buddhist CULTURE around the world: Investment in temples, statues and materialism related to Buddhism. The Buddha stressed NON MATERIALISM and yet his followers invest much in material to praise and worship someone that never wanted to be worshipped. He was not a god or deity of any kind. Yet so much is spent on Buddhist STUFF. Take all that money and invest it in PEOPLE AND ANIMAL WELFARE! Go plant a forest with all those offerings. Make more monks WORK.  The Buddhist women I have encountered have been enlightening to me in how they live clean lives. I admire and respect that now. 

One of the most amusing things I found on that dating site were Russian and Ukrainian women that all looked like models. They wanted my email address to send me photos. I told them … VIDEO CHAT! They were I am sure all fake. I believe there is a racket in the collection of email addresses for the purpose of spam. Similar with PHONE NUMBERS used on such chat apps as WhatsApp and Line. The Chinese WeChat is an app where there Chinese government watches users. This I learned from computer tech people I have encountered. 

I learned a lot about MEN from talking to women on that site. I passed along the information to total strangers I saw as needing it. Amusingly, several left because of the information I passed along. 

MEN on some dating sites will try to get money from women. They will lie a lot. Some men are only on sites for sex. They get several women from a country and say they are the ONLY one and then go have sex with several women in the same country. That is a lot of money and 0 conscience. Lying is the main thing the men do. One woman told me how she gave a man money. Another was one of several sex partners of one man. I helped her with her self esteem and found out once she got her confidence back she was an egotist and narcissist. Many men just want to get women naked. Yes true I JOKE about it and make jokes about women SHOWERING but… that once blew-up in my face. I have to be careful with what I joke about. I once joked about it with a woman on Facebook and thought nothing of it. Then she made a video call to me WHEN SHE WAS IN THE SHOWER! It turns out she had a nice face but…. A HUGE BODY! She was folds of fat and wet and had her hand up her pussy sticking her tongue out at me. There are horrors in life we wish we could block or erase. THAT is one of them. I backed-off on bad shower jokes after that….

I admit I FELT for so many women I read the profiles of and BRIEFLY chatted with. So many with very painful stories. How badly men treated them. So many that due to life style choices looked to me like they would never attract a man. There were people suffering obesity. I could see heavy smoking and even alcohol abuse in the faces of others. So many had distorted views of what makes a marriage and a loving relationship. I recall one woman asked me to go to her country where she would cook me food, do all my house work and I felt sick about it and said, “I can do all that myself. I don’t want a woman to be a slave to me!”

What I left the dating site with was a sick sense of SADNESS about so many relationships and people. So many men are on those sites ONLY to manipulate women to be naked. One thing for me to joke about it but damn… other guys were serious! What is the reward for them? MIND FUCKING WOMEN! Being predators. MANIPULATING THEM. As I told some women: “If a man asks that of you, tell them to go to a porn site and jerk off there”.  

I learned through talking to the women on the dating site A GREATER EMPATHY AND COMPASSION FOR WOMEN. I see more of what women face in the world because of men. Their challenges. Their pains, hopes, dreams and desires. In THAT it was worth the price of paying 

One thing I have not been open about to many women and I will liberate myself in saying HERE:  Sexually I am a DUD. I cannot DO anything but dream like the dirty old man so many assume I am. I am still alive in mind and emotion but… dead in physical ways. I can be friendly with women but beyond that I am LITERALLY fucking useless. 

I went there seeking friendship and did find some nice people. I think my time for marriage has come and gone in life. Then again… if an idiot can become president of the USA then maybe I can get laid again 😉

I give up and am now just focusing on survival and being a better person and… never again tossing out that lame joke about showers. Wait… here that noise? That was me tossing out all the sexual innuendos and bad jokes about it. 

Fear

(This may not qualify as poetry. I admit it. It is just something that happened to me today. Dropping words in this manner can explain a feeling)

Sitting in my secure place at home

Battered by waves of terror

It should be safe here, right?

But it isn’t.

Concussive waves of fear batter me 

I rock in my desk chair

I want to put my hands to my head to stop the waves of fear

(But it won’t do any good will it?

Unless you put your hands INSIDE your head). 

I was driving to work and the road lost all reality

I tried to turn around and 

Got lost in my mind

Trying to find the road back

But here I am 

Trying to keep out the waves of fear

With my hands 

Inside my head,

Trying to cover the holes in my head 

Keep the fear 

The terror from entering this head room. 

Better Than

They tried to beat me down and pigeon hole me telling 

Me

Defining me

Who I am

Who I was

But

Damn them I know what I am…

(Oh what am I?

What will I BE?

What Can I be?)

Oh something greater 

So much better 

Than what they say I was

I am 

I will be…

Oh something much brighter

Stronger

More beautiful than all the “THEYS” could imagine me to be

You to be…

No matter what shit I live through

What pain

What humiliation

I reach inside to that BETTER THAN THIS

And laugh yes 

Laugh,

Saying,

“This ain’t me

I am not what you say I am

I’m not anyone’s loser and not my own

I’m better than this

Better than any labels anyone can paste on me

And better than any negatives I can label myself

Because deep down inside 

In that muck of rotting labels,

I know I am better than….

This

Better than THAT. 

The Ghost We Are

The ghost you felt was watching you from the corner 

Or closet

When you were a child

Was you

After you had left all corners

All closets

And become merely the essence of you

After you had died. 

That Presence you sometimes felt

In a room

Alone 

Or in a crowd

That presence you sometimes felt

But never saw

Watching you 

As you looked for it,

Was you

Watching you

From a different time

When you were gone

But you,

Remained. 

That THING 

That made you cry in the dark with mind numbing fear

Was you

Watching you

Feeling you

Remembering you

Reaching out 

To comfort

But instead… 

Being your own unreasoning fear. 

As you stand over your remains

Watching them decay

That horror

That sadness

Gives way… 

ACCEPTANCE

As your ashes swirl in the breeze

Become One with the Wind, 

Your body rotting

Becomes a tree

A weed

Food and life for many 

You have become

Witnessing it all

Watching your life

Your death

Your life again in so many forms

You 

Suddenly Feeling AGAIN,

 One long moment as you are conceived

Screaming like the ghost you are 

Were 

And will be, 

That flash of life 

That flash of life as you die

That flash of life and death as you are born…

As One

As many … dying but ALIVE!

But Always Too the ghost, 

That presence of you beyond you

Watching you all your life

Through your death. 

Through your birth…

Over and over … Again.)