Insults

I recently told an ex girl friend that she needed mental help. To see a good therapist because of a traumatic marriage. I meant it in a genuinely helpful way. I have had much therapy in my past and it DID help.  Later I got a message that she did not need any help. She asked if I needed help or maybe I needed mental help. 

It was a HUGE insult because I had told her of some horrors in my past. Years of therapy. She said it maliciously. I felt impaled by the insult and told her it was the last time she would hear from me. I told her I “damned her”. Melodramatic but it was all I could think of. I felt a COLDNESS toward her. An extreme betrayal as so many other women in my life had done to me. BETRAYAL. I had recently helped her a lot. Emotionally I tried to help her. That is a good thing in me: I TRY TO HELP but often it is the most sick people that do not want to help themselves. They seem to enjoy bathing in a poison of the soul. 

All this made me realize what I have thought and felt before: Most “insults” are just harmless stupid childish bullshit. A coworker and I call each other, “fucker” as a joke. People can call me any number of things they think of as  an insult but it means nothing to me because

WE GIVE WORDS MEANING. 

They are like magical spells we give power to.

Tonight, insulted about mental health, having BEEN THERE having had a childhood of being CALLED, “crazy” and many other similar meaning names, I felt stung. HURT bad because they were words that have meaning to me. Words that open doors to darkness inside me. There are some insults that people KNOW are malicious horrible ugly insults and they use them to hurt. They are insults that are UNFORGIVABLE BECAUSE OF THAT COLD CRUEL MALICE. For that, there is no forgiving. An accidental insult of ignorance if forgivable. 

I think that “damn you” for me is closing a door and never looking back. I gave someone chances and I helped them. I realized recently that they DO have some EXTREME mental problems that make the hair rise on my back. She is a parasite that uses and sucks out life. Insults come cold and easy. 

I can joke about most insults because I know the people that are saying them. Even a stranger calling me some name they feel derogatory is not an insult. I give the words no meaning and so they fall away.

But something that touches my dark past and makes it awaken in me screaming in pain? Something said so knowingly emotionally maliciously?

UNFORGIVABLE. 

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