(Long winded getting shit off my chest blog post)

Today I ended a “relationship” with a woman. Foreigner not living in her home country. We met on a Foreign dating site. Started as friends and then love blossomed. She was going to come here to a visit a couple years ago. Cancelled it and said she got a headache and the airline had the pilot stop in SWITZERLAND to put her up in a hotel due to her headache. She was flying from Denmark. The USA is to the WEST not EAST. She had given me a story of where she was booked to stay for a night in NYC etc. When I could not reach her I called the hotel and they said they had nobody by THAT name or race. She finally called me on the phone, crying and told me her bullshit story. At first I believed it, then talked to some friends and they said it was BULLSHIT. I let it go but it was a festering sore for a couple years. 

She came to visit for real a couple winters ago and it all went well sort of. She stayed in my bedroom most of the time using her laptop. I drove her around a bit. Met some family but she seemed to spend most of her short stay in bed just sleeping. It was a bit weird to be honest but we got along.

She came a second time over a year ago. At Christmas. Immigration were shits with her. Interrogated her. Asian not muslim so should have been no problem. AGAIN she spent most of the time. I bought her a laptop to use. I took her to an asian market and she cooked. She drank a bit. We went to see some of my family, talking about marriage. At one point she thought I said something a relative said. We got home and she literally attacked me screaming and hitting me. I just held her off. No hitting back. That night I hid the knives. She acted so deranged. I tried to let THAT go but it was scary. We were supposed to see an attorney about getting married but she had wanted to just hole up alone. Very weird. THEN she went nuts assuming I had said something innocuous I had not.

I had seen problems but TRIED to let them go.

All for the team! 

Just to keep things flowing and going and having SOMEONE in my life. Yeah, desperation. I was very friendly and sent videos and letters. She at first insisted I not call her but she could call me. I would let that CONTROL thing go then it would be humiliating and I would try to make things change. Normal for BOTH people to call each other on something like Messenger on Facebook. After a while she said her phone would not receive calls on Messenger. Ah ok a technical issue. More bullshit. Lies I am sure. 

That whole control thing she had of me doing everything on her terms grew resentment and dread BECAUSE we agreed she would come here again to LIVE in this spring. I kept looking at how she lied about not coming here and would not admit it. Over and over. Finally she said she would tell me WHY but only to my face. HERE. I called, “bullshit”. I just assumed she got cold feet and then lied about it too proud to admit she was afraid. 

That was another thing about her: NEVER admitted to being WRONG. It was always someone else’s fault. When I disagreed with her or caught her in a lie, she accused me of being a “bully” which is the opposite of what kind of man I am. If anything, I am TOO passive. Too easy going and NICE. 

Things built-up. 

On the way to work on Valentines Day, I realized a great realization about my life: I HAD ALWAYS CHOSEN WOMEN THAT NEEDED A WHITE KNIGHT. They were hurting and so I tried to help and heal them. Things always broke-up when I was no longer needed. I remember hearing someone tell me I had a “white knight” syndrome. Trying to help and save women. I saw that is how I was with my now PAST girl friend. I saw she was a very sad woman and wanted to raise her up. I DID but found she is probably a pathological liar that will not admit to doing any wrong and then blames others. 

Recently in 2 of her calls to me (AT HER TIME ON HER TERMS) she asked if I was going for a walk. I was shocked because I had told her several times it is hard to walk HERE because of great amounts of ICE. I had mentioned it often including a fall I took on my porch due to ice. I mentioned my fasting on Fridays and she did not know what I was talking about EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TALKED ABOUT DOING IT FOR NEARLY A YEAR! Almost every Friday I fast for 24 or more hours. I told her about it many times. MANY. It was like talking to a stranger. 

I realized on Valentines Day I did NOT LOVE THAT WOMAN. Marrying her would have been living hell. I wrote a very dry UNEMOTIONAL letter noting 8 points that we needed to address for things to go on. No attacking etc. Logical. She responded with anger and hysterics accusing me once again of being a “bully”. NOT addressing anything I wrote. Ahhhh I was attacking her! 

For once in my life I finally got tired of it all and said…

“Fuck off”. 

All contact information deleted. 

So… at 63 how do I feel about this?

Sad and empty. 

JUSTIFIED.

RELIEVED. 

No more waiting for calls I cannot make to them.

No more putting myself in a HERE BOY! Position. 

No more being treated like a fool that forgives lies. 

No more dreading a marriage that would have been hell. Battered man?

I am of the age where I do not need the bullshit. Better to be alone than with someone that makes my life a living hell.

Yes I feel relieved.

If I cannot trust someone, I cannot love them. 

I think I am too damned old to go looking for a partner anymore. 

Now then… shave the beard or keep it?  😉

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