I have spent a life haunted by my past. From the big to the small embarrassments, stupids and just plain criminal. I am a man of conscience and that in part is the problem: My conscience and maybe a touch of masochism have combined to kick my ass over and over almost every day of my life. I will remember something and feel a KICK! The past kicks me and I wince at a memory of something I said or did. As the pain of the inner kick subsides, I try to find a way to let it go and hopefully not come back. Some way to deal with it.
I believe that recently I have found it.
It all comes down to the simple fact that the past is the past. What happened, what was said is in the past. It’s only in the present as a distorted memory. It only has as much impact on us as we want.
I don’t want it.
I am tired of it.
I want to let it go
Now I do.
I train myself to let it go.
I think of something embarrassing that happened and think to myself that THAT happened long ago and that I did not continue doing THAT or saying THAT. Whatever was painful THEN I STOPPED DOING AND SAYING.
Hey do you remember me from THEN and what I SAID BACK THEN?
I am not that person anymore.
I don’t have a reckless big mouth anymore.
I am not that drunk some knew.
I am not the druggy guy.
I am not that insecure self obsessed person I WAS.
Going forward in life,
I saw the changes I needed to make to myself.
I became the sculptor and the clay OF the sculptor
Shaping myself with my own mind
As to who and what I became and am now.
There is no need to feel guilt for what I did
Who I was.
There no positive reason to beat myself for what I did long ago
That few remember
And if they did…
Over and over I shed my inner skin to become my own new invention
I still try
What would have been a truly horrible thing is if I did not change
I kept on doing the same stupid things over and over as I aged.
I used to think I was a failure for my past
No I am not: I changed.
Failure is NOT changing and being the same person you were in your past
An older mirror image of an asshole and fuckup
And that ain’t me now
That ain’t me
Hey momma I’m ok
‘Cause I grew up
I changed for the POSITIVE
Over and over …
And when I am dead,
I hope I can keep on rolling
Spinning and changing
Becoming a BETTER in what comes after…
Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
But new improved ashes