Photo on 9-15-18 at 6.49 AM

Today I went into an external hard drive, found a folder of photo of a recent girl friend, looked at them all for a moment, analyzed what I felt and then deleted THEM ALL. I did it this way to be sure I did not feel anything like wanting her again. Things were said recently that were a line that if crossed, kills a relationship TOTALLY. When someone gives me a list of words I cannot say. The message came out of the blue. Things had been doing a slow fade-out, out the door for some time. All the bitching was long done. I had given her an analysis of how fucking NUTS she was in a very patient you-need-to-get-help way. To someone that needs an intervention. A caring person. There was denial and then attack.

Line crossed fuck it I do not need this from anyone. 

I sent a nice reply of a few words of “have a good birthday and trip back to China”. Very nice of me. I felt nothing. No wait: I FELT TIRED. Extremely weary of being nice to someone that I once feared would kill me in my sleep when they came to visit me. Yeah, THAT crazy THAT bi-polar THAT personality disordered. As my friend Sammy said, she “gas lighted” me. Hey look over there at YOU!” Sort of thing. 

I know crazy.

I studied myself all my life and know my own.

I know the crazy in OTHERS when I meet them after a while and I am confident after thousands of dollars spent on therapy; many hours in it and much research, I am anxious about alien environments and travel but “crazy” to some dangerous degree I am NOT. 

I felt a bit sad and lost for a short time and recently picked myself up. I used-to do the get into good shape thing to please her and myself. NOW I do it for ME. Life and self affirmative. My body my mind do it for ME. It’s all positive. Back to the long walks and stationary bike rides. Pump! Get moving! Work hard and no more trying to appease someone else that accused ME of bullying but was a pint-sized control freak bully. Yeah she hit me for some insane temper freak-outs and I just let her. Me? Hit a woman? The hell if I would! Been that way all my life and proud of it. 

After doing considerable research, I recently chose an internet dating site to join. BIG WAKE-UP CALL ABOUT AGE! Last time I was looking was years ago. Before I hit 60! I look at profile photos and read profiles. I am in wonder at how many women have just let themselves turn to BLOBS. They should be honest and say their favorite activity is EATING AND SITTING A LOT! There are some very rich looking women that make me wonder WHY they are so wealthy looking and looking. AGAIN. Of course many profiles look like the same person wrote them: “ I love dancing, camping, eating out “ … and you are very very boring. Yeah. Many advertise their college education and want THAT same in a man. I do not have that. I look at them and think, “how shallow”. I advertise my good person inside. My emotional intellect. Recent photos are me with a slowly growing beard. Ok some do not like the beard and bald look. The opera loving factory worker oh how eccentric! But that comes back a big reason my recent GF and I broke-up: I have to be ME. No list of words and actions for me to NOT be. I believe I am NOT an asshole or cruel. I do not throw tantrums or scream and yell … as I did when younger and partial to drinking. Now I am super mellow man.  

On the dating site I have sent NICE unconditional messages to women. Compliments because THAT IS ME. Nothing threatening or creepy. It’s weird being 63 and looking for….

?

What?

Friendship?

Yes.

Not a sex partner but intimacy in a joyful way would be wonderful. 

I find it simple what people my age want with another: They don’t want to be alone and want good companionship without the bullshit of those they knew and once loved in their past. At least that is what I want. 

I look back on so many relationships in which WE agreed to stay together and try to work it out. It was naive and stupid at times. People need to see there are things that break relationships from the start. For example: MY DRINKING. Over 20 years ago. MY DRUG USE over 30 years ago. Someone’s temper. Not accepting the other person as they ARE. Nothing in common and too much in common. Money issues. Bigotry – my own included. 

EGO is, I have found the biggest problem with most people in the majority of relationships. Not being aware of it and thus blundering through life beating ourselves and others with it. Once we let-go of that to a great degree … we can find some equanimity with ourselves and others. In relationships though, it takes both doing that. 

I may be single for the rest of my life but I will continue self-growth and being a better person single or not. Now the new struggle is with loneliness. To not inflict it on others and learn how to live with it as I once did. That is not self pity. That is facing a new old situation in life. 

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