Dear ________;

As I told you, I tried suicide once and thought of it many times over the years. It was always the easy way out. Cliche. LIVING was the hard part. Thing about suicide is there is no coming back. Ok for me there was: I died I believe. Went up that tunnel of light and back. I found once I got past all that self pity and found some balls or courage to live, life got better. I had to realize that LIFE IS CONSTANTLY CHANGING. LIFE IS “IMPERMANENCE”. Life is suffering and life is joyful. It’s pure stupid bullshit to think that life is FAIR OR UNFAIR. Life IS. Some get the stick and some get the shitty end of the stick and sometimes we experience both. It is pure bullshit for anyone to believe that life needs to be fair or unfair. Life sucks and life is a miracle of joy. I believe that  religion is a big con job about life. Except for buddhism. THEY got it right. Instead of thinking about and planning suicide these days, I look for pillows knowing I am going to fall. I am TRYING to throw those pillows into my future so that when I DO FALL AND HIT I DO NOT SPLATTER AND SHATTER! I Believe that people get maudlin and sentimental about their own death. THAT TOO IS BULLSHIT. Billions live now and have lived before us. DIED BEFORE US. What makes MY killing myself or my LIFE any different or important than any of those billions that lived and died before me? What matters to me or the meaning of life is not a self pity party before I die but a simple checklist of: Did I ADD SOME GOOD TO MORE LIVES THAN BAD? 

Are people going to remember me with a smile and laugh? 

Tell a few heavily embellished tales of my good deeds or bitch about what a sonofabitch I was? 

It’s like when someone leaves a job and those remaining talk about that person. 

Smiles or snarls?

Such is a death. 

Smiles, sneers or snarls. 

But, like I said: Life is impermanence.

Billions have come and gone and what does it mean?

It don’t mean shit to the cosmos. 

We are just stardust still moving through the cosmos

Sometimes we stay on this planet until our ashes or bodies totally merge with the earth

Then move as the planet dies 

But we live on without consciousness


But honesty, thinking about what we mean after we are dead is all bullshit: 

Except for if we made a few smile with tears in their eyes with laughter

And not smile, 

Grinding their teeth when we’re in the Hereafter 😉

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