(This is like a journal or diary entry I suppose, posted here)

 

I have been up and down a lot lately. Terrifyingly DOWN last week. Worried too of becoming crippled from shoulder injuries at work from this old body breaking down. Repetitive motion. A coworker retiring and I never can due to never having saved a damn bit. I always felt I was never paid enough TO save. Power was out for a day. I took that day off and fasted. Saturday I pushed myself out of myself and walked for an hour. Had not been on any walks for a while. I have a stationary bike I was going to toss out. GOOD exercise bike. Have felt pain in left knee for a long time after riding it for a little while. Feared using it and believed my knee was not able to handle a bike anymore. I tested myself. Pushed myself a bit on the bike. 10 minutes every other day. Better than nothing. Then 15. 30 on Friday. TODAY I walked for 90 minutes and decided either I make it or fall and call for an ambulance. I did fine. 3 hours later I used the bike for an HOUR. Got off and walked for 15 minutes. Been eating a lot after the fast. Does that to me. Go to 0 for a day then climb up to feeling huge amounts of calories then that will level off to healthy. Point of all this is I am forcing myself to be positive. Pushing myself to show myself I am healthier than I believe. I go beyond that “belief” to REALITY of my physical and mental being. Exercising, I feel a sense of calm and confidence. I recall how today wearing noise canceling head phones and listening to an opera as I walked, I felt like I was in the drivers seat of a car or truck maneuvering a vehicle. How I felt and saw the path I walked and the path ahead. Insulated from the world in a good way. Waving at strangers a bit robotic.
 
As those that know me have seen, I am eccentric about Facebook. I go and delete it all at times. “Impermanence” is how I explain it. In recent months I feel I am on the last part of my marathon run in life. Some friend on Facebook are helping me to realize a lost identity that buoys me up with a renewed desire to make the marathon go further. Tomorrow another day of bone grinding work inspecting wood. NOW days I try to AVOID my coworkers due to simply not having a damned thing in common with any of them. I am the only person that wears ear protection. I look and feel like an alien but don’t we all at times in our work. It comes with being individuals. We are not weird or eccentric: We are INDIVIDUALS. UNIQUE. Those we find negative issue with are the same. I need to keep that in mind at work. They got their issues I got mine. Shut-up and let them deal with it and hope they leave me alone to mine. I am more out-going than they are. It took me a long time to realize that when men just want to be isolated leave them be: It’s a form of respect. Don’t ask them to be like me.
 
Having this bird now, I see humans more and more like that bird. For example I have wanted people to like me all my life. It’s ok they will not all the time. This bird seems to hate or fear me. I have realized it is ok. Why should I torture the bird by trying to get it to like me? I realize that is how I was with women long ago: Try to buy their affection and want them to like or love me. I guess that is how it is with birds and people. Sometimes they like us, sometimes not. But we cannot expect people to sit on our fingers and eat seeds. I hope humans never do 😉

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