In Ambrose Bierce classic short story, An Occurrence At Owl Creek Bridge, a man is about to be hanged during the American civil war. The rope breaks and he is set free to run home to his plantation and the loving arms of his wife. When he touches her embraces her, he realizes it was all a desperate fantasy at the moment of his death. A rough short version of the story.
I sometimes feel or wonder if that is how MY life is: That this is all some desperate subconscious death fantasy I am living. At any moment there will be shock of pain, horror and AWAKENING and I will die.
But not in the life I have been living or thought I was living.
Maybe I will realize that I did not survive that miraculous fall through the ice of that pond in the winter of one of my late teens.
Nor that suicide attempt a little later.
Am I still falling forever dreaming ignoring the air rushing through my mind after those kids let go of my legs laughing then screaming as they saw my body fall from that high window in the psychiatric hospital?
Maybe I will awaken for a fraction of thought and understanding that I did NOT survive that drunken naked jump at night off into what I thought was a flooded gravel pit only to realize no I did not climb out but perhaps my body still lies in the murk and muck of it to some day in THIS future.
So MANY times I drove drunk in my youth and perhaps I will awaken from this NOW to my face smashing into a car or truck windshield.
I doubt if I could have imagined a life this long at 18 months with such detail not having experienced ANYTHING.
If this has all been a dream at the moment of the many times I nearly died… then oh what a dream life I have had… what a life …