As a guilty if not purely stupid pleasure and obsession, I gifted myself a 27″ iMac. Yes, more debt. It will probably be my last big purchase for however long. I made the unpacking of it like a religious ceremony late at night. 

Worship the machine! 

REVERENCE. 

Sorrow. 

Grief. 

A feeling I have completed a circle or cycle in my life. 

Apple makes such things very easy. They have a thing called, “Time Machine” that makes copies of your system every hour or so. I did that with my old Mac Mini. My trusty old little machine. I backed it up on an external hard drive. Feeling over confident, I opened the old Mac and went through the process of mind wiping it. I felt like I was killing an old friend. Lobotomizing it. I went through the process and made sure none of my old data was on it. It was no longer my little friend: It was a cold stranger like that I once unboxed new. 

I admit  I was skeptical of the Time Machine back-up. Over confident too.  I felt my skepticism was affirmed when I tried to install a back-up from the old into the new. From the external hard drive. Things were a bit of a mess. I feared a loss of so much data and programs. It was after midnight and I gave it another try. I read some basic instructions how to do it then tried and failed. Then tried again with my own “ok try THIS combination of commands”.

Slowly it seemed to work. 

Watching a line of time flow across the screen. 1 hour 46 minutes … a countdown. The damned screen kept trying to sleep. Like my mind at that hour after 2AM. Finally the screen just blinked out and I felt I had failed again. 

Then it came to life.

Slowly.

The old computer would have been savagely grunting to do the work but this one quietly pushed through something. 

Reluctantly it came to life and the desktop was just like my old Mac. Brighter and more clear. It was a mind and memory transferred from one host to another after a few tweaks. Memory from one mind and body to another. Wipe clean the old.

Chilling.

Amazing.

I see this is what some would like to do with humans. It is the stuff of science fiction on a very small scale.

I am writing this on my 63rd birthday.

A great sense of sadness and perplexity.

For weeks I have wanted this machine.

Oh and the new mattress I got and slept on last night.

What is it all about? I wonder.

I think there is something deep in my subconscious that is making me do this. Obsessive. YES the debt will be difficult. But I feel a FINALITY to it all. A goal achieved. In a way a letting go of the past. A starting new that has nothing to do with 63 years of life. Perhaps there is something in my genes talking to me about all this.

A pattern.

A feeling of my mortality more than ever.

The clarity that has come from Fasting every week.

Greater fears and lesser fears.

A fascination with suicide for a time and now these very life-affirming actions. 

Eros and Thanatos had a baby and I am reborn in myself through their intercourse during battle. 

What do I feel now that I have achieved the installation of this machine?

It is not just that.

During the past week that I took off I used it for reflection or a waiting for answers or some form of enlightenment to fall into me. I converted musics from CD’s to computer files. This is complete now. I altered the interior of my house to make it more clean and roomy. 

What is surprising now is that I feel I am adrift in space. Lonely and cold inside and that all this does not matter. The machines do not matter. 

My past does not matter.

The people in my past no longer exist. They may look like people I once knew but I no longer know them. Perhaps the same with family. 

I have felt such a BURDEN of my past pushing down on me and now …perhaps this past week has set me free of it.

Maybe I grieve for the hot knives removed 

That Identity with the guilt and imagined judgements of others, passing. 

I am free … but empty and sad at the same time.

It is amusing that when people speak of therapists to me, I laugh. I probably know more about psychology and the human psyche than many of THEM because I have LIVED and EXPERIENCED. For example, someone suggested a suicide hotline to me. I laughed it off because I believe I know more than THEY would on that hotline. A friend of mine is on a hotline and yet that friend is a very fucked-up human. How do you save others if you are so fucked-up?

We save others With OUR SHARED HUMANITY. 

We save ourselves by KNOWING OUR HUMANITY.

We don’t have to be happy all the time as so many believe.

What helps is if we KNOW OUR HUMANITY most of the time.

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