There is a sadness to it,

This realization that I will end,

That every moment is GONE

So many times I flinch and realize:

That moment will never be and there will be fewer moments with each step

Each breath passed

Each thought

Each word I speak

Spoken.

There is no maudlin sentimentality

Only realization

Reminding me like a school boy that 

Summers end is near

That school approaches but

That school was 

The lessons I learned and lived

Then let slip away as I approached a great surprise

Of ENDING. 

There is a plodding sadness and sense of wonder to it 

A greediness

A grasping

So  often when I DESIRE something new and think:

This is the LAST car

Computer

Phone

Long walk

Fine piece of music

I may own or experience.

At times I have a morbid sense of wonder of…

What WILL be the last film I see?

The last music I hear

The last words I may speak

Will any of it have meaning?

Will I have HAD any meaning with anything I said or did?

How vain 

How egotistical is it of me to WANT so many things before I END.

How many billions have come and gone NOT having what I had or want yet in their own ways…

HAD their own wish lists

Desires to fulfill 

Or breathe out a hiss of laughter laughing at themselves for WANTING so much

So much that had so little or no meaning.

I wonder with so much humor

Surprise and frustration,

That of all the books I read

There were never any on how to be young

Be middle aged

Be old grow old 

What words 

What voice do I speak with at such times?

Was it something people taught generation to generation?

This is the voice of age…?

Aging is something that cannot be taught

Perhaps Dignity and Honor are

By example to live 

And living,

To possibly die with. 

Desiring more before I die

I feel the empathetic Reality of so many that have come and gone

NOT able to live so rich and good as I did

Not able to desire more than… another chance 

In the end,

Dying…

Another breath before dying

A breath like a long drink of cold water on a hot day

That sweet scotch after a long life of sobriety

One last…

Oh one… Last. 

All the people I knew in my past are lives past

Those now,

Fading

As waking, 

The images and voices fade into the night

As I face a night that will most likely come in the day.

All whom I loved or cared about are gone

At times I turn to them

To a door inside

Pounding on it beseeching them to come back up the stairs from the past to me, 

Then turn away

Leave the door it’s best that way. 

There is a coldness as those I loved and cared about

Fall away

Like garments on a cold winter’s day

Leaving me cold and bereft of love 

And company

My fingers reaching for other fingers long gone

As I walk through a field of light toward that rainbow of shadows some day

Night

Morning 

Or moment,

Mourning a moment 

A life regrettably momentarily felt to be wasted

Hush 

Oh hush no regrets…

Dammit man…

You lived a good life

Raise your head high without regret

Without remorse

Smile and snarl

Laugh 

As you enter that rainbow of shadows and night. 

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