Tonight I watched a detective movie. Part of the plot is a cop gets kicked off the force for being a drunk. Ex cop seen drinking. CONSTANTLY. The beer labels are fictional but I know the cop is drinking beer. Yeah, it’s all fiction.

 A movie. 

Problem is, 

In the background of my mind, 

I observed myself salivating. 

Wanting a beer.

 A boilermaker.

 A few shots of whiskey. 

Drink until stupid and puking then

Drink more

And more,

That feeling again. 

I wanted to be buzzing like that fictional ex cop in the movie.

I didn’t want to be at the wheel of a car driving drunk.

Sweating, watching it.

In the background of my mind,

Stomach churning remembering the drinking

How sick and shitty I felt

Inside

Wrapped around my mind and identity…

Snap out of it,

It’s only a damned movie

Bullshit,

It’s flashbacks

It’s a reminder to don’t go there again

Churning stomach

Sweating

Terrified of flashing lights but I have to get home hanging onto the damned wheel then

Wondering next day if I hit anyone

Anything ?

The me now wanted the cop to quit drinking

Begging that fictional character to go for food and water

Not booze and junk

Redemption oh writers of this film

Oh please redemption like my life

Trying…

Trying…

Part of the damnation is the flashbacks

Part of the salvation are all those sick feelings watching a movie…

Reminders

Reminders in a movie

No you don’t want to go back there again

(And you won’t)

Because like that fictional ex cop…

You get up in the morning and make the pancakes

Instead of reaching for the 3 day old pizza. 

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