I don’t think many people post stuff on Facebook about their REAL self. They often hide by putting up a smoke screen of news articles, cartoons, stupid photos and movie trailers. Ummm Like I have recently done.
It’s funny how at 62 soon 3, I have no retirement and recently realized I wasted much of my life believing I would not live long enough to have to need one. I had long expected to kill myself by now or long ago I had thought I would have been killed by my life style.
Here I am.
Paying as much as I can on my debt. I got it down now. My days of STUPID are over. Whittling at the stupid goes far now even to the point of trying to eliminate chocolate from my diet. Hey that $1.50 could be used on my debt! Oh and that big block of cheese is going to settle on your waist line! I am living the life of a very poor person but have a good wage at this time. I am doing it to try to pay for my sins of debt creation. I have this hellish habit of saying, “I SHOULDA!” To myself about a lot of things. I counter that with, “I KNOW DAMMIT I KNOW NOW!” Because I learned. A bit late in life but I learned.
I recently looked at the Facebook profile photos of 2 men I went to grade school with. I hate them now. It’s a sick thing I see in me. YEAH YOU SONSABITCHES ARE HAPPY IN LIFE! I know I “SHOULD” be saying, “oh I am happy for how good you did”. See? It’s not about them it’s a reminder to myself of, “YOU SHOULDA”. You should have been life affirmative instead of so negative all your life. You SHOULDA got over the panic attacks and lived a richer life. Instead you spent literally THOUSANDS of dollars to try to cure yourself of it.
I am still SCARED.
Scared of being stupid again.
Of doing things that will hurt me and ruin me.
Like the drugs I quit.
Like the drinking I quit.
Like the stupid relationships I quit.
Like the bad foods I quit eating.
The positives of my life show in QUITTING. Omitting the stupid from life. My final quitting of stupid was wasteful spending. I am still working on that. Is a chunk of cheese or some chocolate stupid spending? Oh and some nice slices of meat from the deli? Trying to cut all THAT out now. Ok some cheese once in a while.
I keep wanting to kick my ass for my past with “YOU SHOULDA!” But then I look with compassion on myself explaining to myself that, hey, I quit a lot. It took me a long time but I finally LEARNED.
I MADE a rough road for myself because maybe I just wanted to kick my ass for years. I grew-up with a dad yelling at me often and I think that got imprinted on me as the right way of living. NOT by loving myself. Being materialistic and buying some toys and stuff was NOT being kind to myself I came to realize. It was a way of making my life worse in the future. Here, let’s hurt yourself LATER. It’s like eating sweets because it tastes so good then seeing and feeling the pound grow on later and finding that damn that hurts the body and mind.
I think one bit of stupidity I need to quite is to quit kicking my own ass all the time. You are doing fine now. Living clean and wise. My new hobby is paying and paying and living frugal. It’s a penance of sorts. Debt is a prison of the mind where you kick your own ass as part of the punishment.
If you have a conscience, you can create your own prison and hell inside for what you did to others and yourself. For me I never hurt others. I just hurt myself. Hey! Let’s go do something stupid!
Need to quit that stupid habit of beating myself 😉
Because finally, I am ok. I have a lot of debt but working on it.
And unlike the past, suicide is not my fall-back option. Although it is a sick itch I sometimes feel like scratching. Don’t itch that! You may make it bleed!