It is amusing to me in a sad way that I have never understood how someone could stay with another person that made their life miserable. Such as people in abusive relationships. Women that stay with men that abuse them mentally, physically or both. Or, vice versa. I know that there is a fear involved. A fear of being alone or of the unknown without A RELATIONSHIP. 

I used to not understand how people could get into such relationships until recently I found myself in such. It crept up on me like my past addictions. I was and have been in denial of it until today when it all came together when I wrote a note to someone and SAW it for myself. Writing it out was like drawing an image for me to see and understand. 

I have had a long distance relationship with a woman who came to visit me 2 times. Dedication and sacrifice on her part. When she was here we had some good times but some troubling signs of things that could happen in the future. For some odd reason she got agitated and started to throw punches at me. I calmed her down. It became very serious on her second trip here. She imagined I had said something I had not (it was another person in the same room while we visited a relative of mine). Again, I got her to calm down but I realized something was OFF in her. She had told me that she had got a divorce because her husband was abusive and controlling. She showed such behavior in this relationship. Over the past 2 years I have tried to accommodate her. Give and take but it became all my give. I let HER set the rules and boundaries SHE wanted to and I went with them. Eventually it has led to time constraints set by her of 1 video chat per week. I used-to email her and send audio messages then she said there were problems with both. SHE did not send any audio or video messages. SHE set the times for calling on HER terms. Like a person in an abusive relationship I agreed to it all until I realized I WAS acting like a person in an abusive relationship. I was too cowardly too AFRAID of being alone to say “NO”.

Until it all came together.

I am 62 and and fear being alone for the rest of my life. My former girl friend had said she wanted to marry me but there has been no movement on that. Things have hit a dead zone. I have come to see I live WAITING for her calls and it is…

HUMILIATING.

EMASCULATING.

I cannot see the future. Maybe being alone is my destiny in life. Being afraid of being alone is worse than being alone I have realized. 

Humiliation and emasculation are worse than being alone. They rob a person of their dignity and self esteem. 

I told my former GF I have been SO depressed that I have had suicidal fantasies. Not just because of her, but various other things in life with that. It is a wake-up call in life to make some changes. That something is very fucked-up in me and my life. You know that when you are so miserable in life because of debt, work, the scrambled crap of your life inside AND a relationship that is making you so miserable that you have fantasies of hanging yourself and wonder if you CAN kill yourself with a plastic bag over your head that something is seriously fucked-up … and needs to change. 

Yes I have been in an abusive relationship. 

A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP THAT IS POISONING ME. There is no fun no joy in it. It is torture. Reason for staying in it? Oh that old one of fear of being alone or not being able to find something better. 

I see that now.

The POSITIVE here is that I have quit addictions in my life. Drugs. Alcohol. Economic stupidity. Bad dietary habits. Self-destructive behaviors of all kinds. 

New one for me: Toxic Relationships. 

Easy to quit on the internet or with family members. Such as if one family member is a trump supporter, accept them as beyond redemption in life 😉

I see people in abusive relationships in a new light now. I am there. Living the poison by hanging on. The abuse comes with continuing. By hanging in there and hoping the other will change to be better. After some years of toxicity I see they won’t. 

As that is the case, find the courage for change and move out. Move on. Face that fear of the unknown. Of change. Of being alone. Comforting rational note to myself? Hey if THAT OTHER person has no time for me and I am alone all the time anyway…?  All I am missing is the pain.

Gosh I feel better already … moving on …

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