Tonight I was thinking about a coworker that seems to be quite a miserable person. Constantly talking. OBNOXIOUS. Selfish self centered. At times he has tried to bully me. I wondered tonight, “has anyone ever LOVED this man? Does anyone love this horrible man NOW?”

Then I asked myself, “Does anyone love YOU now? Are there those at work, on the net or near you. Family or friends that feel affection for you?”

“No I do not believe so,” I replied to myself.

I realized in a flash of insight that my questions were ALL WRONG. They were… SELFISH. Yes, the man that accuses another of being so IS himself such in his questioning about LOVE.

So many of us go through life wondering, “who loves me” and if we profess to love another it is with that hope and yearning that desire that that Other will love us in return.

It’s all wrong, I have realized.
I have probably known this for many years deep inside me but never felt it come to the forefront of my consciousness.

It is NOT about who loves us in life,
But who WE love.
HOW we love.
Is it Conditional or a gift we feel in mind and emotion that we send off to that other with a smile of joy and hope it touches them without them knowing WHO sent it.

I have found great joy in smiling and waving at a stranger. Sometimes it is gratitude for something so simple as letting me get into traffic. Or some shared moment of humor often without words.

A beam of light from my mind to … wherever if ever it may touch a THEM.

I can feel love and joy in a moment hearing a piece of music
And not expect IT to love me back
for I, the listener to give good feeling back.
Oh dear Gustav Mahler,
Though dead for over 100 years,
I can still love you
Love your compositions
But you are not there to return my love.
Then again,
An artist such as Mahler (classical symphonic composer) GAVE to the world great love with his art that lasts for so far over 100 years. It is like sending a great emotional hug out into the universe for it to touch and embrace many beings.
Unconditional and JOYFUL.

I had a dog once that taught me about love.
The love he gave me was not given so he could wait,
Look at the clock
Expecting a hug from above.
Unconditional.
The love I gave him I learned to give that way.

The love I give most joyfully in life comes in spontaneous moments of kindness,
GOODNESS.

Sometimes I can still my urge to talk
And LISTEN
When I listen,
At first I feel like I am holding my mind’s breathe
And then the Other touches me
And I touch them with a loving feeling by simply… listening and making them THERE
That center of attention.

In December of 2017 I had a guest here. We tried to share meals. I was not accustomed to eating with someone. Giving my attention to them. My mind was scattered and uneasy with the situation. She told me (I smile writing this) to put my phone down. Stop reading the news and drink coffee with her. SIT with her. Eating. MEALS. It was not so much the EATING of food but the eating of Listening.
You talk I listen and listening I love.
I talk and if you listen and feel me that is fine if not…
The company was so good thank you!

Love is ruined by Desire.
I ruined love in my youth by WANTING from someone and then trying to give but my giving was trying to … BUY.
I came to find the greatest JOY in life is when we give
We do
We speak Kindly lovingly
We FEEL loving kindness
Then smile and let it go…. Throw that ball of love out there and don’t expect it to come back.
Believe it hit someone and hugged them on impact.

I find that a simple, “thank you” is a mini “I love you”.
Guerrilla love
To someone near or far
A stranger
Thank you. (I love you in a moment).

I have realized that looking back on my life there need not be any sadness if I can think of how I LEARNED to give love and let go…
To forgive as an act of love
As a loving action and then…
Let go…

The great joy in life for me is NOT how many people I have on an empty souled friend list of anonymous names I do not know,
But the LEARNING TO LOVE and love fully and love in snack bites
Love sneaky guerrilla way I got one over on you when you thought it was one thing,
I was loving you with a joke
A shared laugh
A smile
And that pat on the back.

I learned to love staring at a weed
A plant
A tree
A bumble bee
A bird sitting there unaware of me but me aware and smiling at it
Caring for it
A thrill…
A feeling
So Unconditionally.

Now that I have rambled so long about this
If anyone ever reads this,
I am blowing you a mind kiss embrace smile of thanks
Thank you for reading
For listening
And you now know another meaning of “thank you”
🙂
(Gotcha!)

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