I am going through a relationships end now. Not sure if I am depressed or not. The idea of suicide came and went. Gone now. The diarrhea of a relationships end is that wanting to end yourself. With practice we get over it. Life is practice.
It’s easier the older we get. All that practice IF we have had it. Maturity is forging ahead with a grim determination just to get on with life and live in the moment. Ok go a bit ahead of the moment and look at what I need to do to pay the bills after the moment.
But those are other moments.
Funny how when young we go through screaming and yelling and a lot of crying at some ending. It’s like a death and it’s like giving birth to some horrible thing you do not want. Let’s put this bad feeling up for adoption so the devil can suck on the pain.
I remember getting drunk and screaming totally freaking out. Calling and begging someone to not break-up even though I knew it was the best thing for all. I remember the divorce. I remember how so many times I wanted to be the GOOD guy and not the one that was the asshole in the relationship.
It doesn’t have to be good guy or bad. Shit happens. There is pain and if there is NOT pain it means there was no meaning to it no emotion and it was a big waste of heavy breathing in deep conversations or that other stuff many do in relationships.
The pain of the end of a relationship is much like the pains I have in my body from aging. Such as today: My back aches from helping to unload that truck yesterday and then re-stacking carts of wood today. I wince and want to whimper but I push through it. It will pass. I know how to handle it.
I have had PRACTICE with that pain.
Like emotional pain – I have had practice. What works and what does not work. Like how to move with back pain. Kicking and screaming and substance abuse does not cure it. Just pushes it down roaring deep down some day to be faced or explode IN your face. I learned to face it. To feel it. That damned toothache so near to the brain. You can isolate it. The pain is … OVER THERE. With emotional pain the pain is or can be pushed outside. Outside in TIME. That pain happened THEN and you are now HERE. Nothing causing the pain now HERE.
So much of emotional pain comes from what we do with our imaginations. For example I had thought how lonely I may be now. Then it occurred to me that part of the problem was I was waiting like a damned dog for someone to call when THEY wanted me. I was lonely in the relationship so life is only better: No more waiting. Live for now and focus on other pains I try to push out of my mind like that back pain.
Thing about pain of body and emotion is if you have a decent sense of humor and some humility you can get through it and use it for some laughs. Sure. Joke about it. I joke at work about how sometimes I walk like a goddam hunchback! I can joke to myself about how I am with another woman gone. Let’s see it as… story material. Not malicious. Something to joke about. Have a laugh but not a mean laugh. THAT makes the pain. Why be mean? The person you hurt is yourself with that mean shit.
Maturity, pain practice and the practice of dealing with LOSS shows me that we can find positives in that other person. Remove the idiot negative emotion and acknowledge yeah that was a very smart person. Could take a joke. Oh and look at the positives of YOURSELF WITH THAT OTHER PERSON. Hey nice job. Not that THEY were BAD. Were you good? If not, how do you become BETTER with other people?
The blame game is a sick game. I have come to just see things as people are individuals and sometimes we just don’t mesh good or like that old cliche’, “two ships passing”. You see each other and wave. Like so many other people.
We have losses in every meeting. We may share a smile with a stranger and enjoy it and them for a moment then WE are gone. Two SPEEDBOATS passing.
Life is constantly in motion. You can even say that of death. ALL is constantly changing. That rock under your foot has been changing longer than you but it HAS been changing. It’s part of life. It is life. We change with every breath. The world changes with every storm. Every breath of the skies.
We breathe in,
The sky breathes out.