This morning, I poured 6 bottles of beer down the drain of my kitchen sink. They were leftover from a guest that had been here for a week. I had drank 3 bottles. SLOWLY. 1 I recall I did not finish. I had quit drinking 20 years ago as of this recent NYE. I had feared I would fall down and go back to drinking. THANKFULLY I have to take warfarin – a blood thinner. I was cautioned against drinking much. Last night I had one of the 3 beers. This morning, nose bleeding. A very bad thing. The beer had tasted good but I felt anxious about drinking it. 20 years ago I NEEDED to feel a buzz. I NEEDED it to cope but more to HIDE.

Just as I once did with marijuana.

I quit that because I did not want to use it to think I was coping with life with it or just to feel HIGH. A mental amusement park thrill.

I do not want any crutches any excuses any lies to myself about why I use things. I do not want to rationalize it into believing altered states are good for me in some way.

It felt good pouring out the beers this morning.
It made me recall how many times and many years ago I had tried the same thing: Have a hangover and swear to never drink again. Pour out that pile of booze and beers. I tried that many times until I was ready to do it for good.

I guess that having a drinking guest was a good test for me. Yes I BRIEFLY liked the taste of my old favorite beer. The more I drank it the more it just brought back bad memories and places inside I did not want to go again.

I don’t want it or need it.
Like relationships.

People can talk about their loves of alcohol and marijuana.
Been there done that.
I will now quietly enjoy sobriety from it all.
I don’t need the baggage.
I can feel better not groaning about how much I just spent on recreational head trips.

Self tested and sober
But trying not to swallow blood from that train wreck of warfarin and alcohol.

Even without the blood thinners I would not go back there. You see once we leave the site of a crime to ourselves, not a place we want to go back to. Not a torture scene to revisit.

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