I am not a Buddhist but if there were a religion I would join, it would be that of Buddhism. I do not see Buddhism AS a religion. I see it as more of a philosophy and way of life. I believe it was the first psychology or practical psychiatry. It is to me, a pathway to peace.

Breathe and you can be with the buddha for a moment, I think. Perhaps the spirit OF the Buddha is in a single breath. To breathe in and out and for a moment become the breath and nothing more.

I was an anxious person most of my life. A terrified child. Overly imaginative perhaps. Sensitive. That accentuated my fears I now believe. Sensitive people or overly sensitive feel all things deeper than many others. All emotions. The damning of it is we feel fear so damn deeply and fully, too.

I spent much of my life searching for a way to conquer the fears. Self help books. Psychiatry. Losing myself in drugs and alcohol to not feel anything at all. Attempted suicides. The only thing that came close to working was a few moments or minutes of calm while simply BREATHING.

I have tried meditation many times. A discipline I want to do but reject. Maybe a part of me does not want to find peace or know myself deeper than I already do.

I chase the Buddha and he is far ahead always very far ahead of me but sometimes when I stop and look inside while chasing him, I find him there.

I reject him then and go on living my life of fear and insecurity. Then I remember to chase him and it is like meditation: When you lose attention to your breath, when it wanders to a thought, remember to stop chasing a thought and return to a breath.

I am old now and still full of fear but thankfully I still remember to breathe. Pause and breathe. Find that Buddha in my inner chaos in a breath. It is never to late for me to find the discipline to be still and let go into the moment.

Maybe I just need an end to all those excuses that keep me from doing so and going there…

Constantly chasing the Buddha.

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