I often fantasize about going back in time to the self I was. Maybe to observe who I was as a child. Maybe to be myself again as a child and know the brightness of those young senses and all the energy.
Or… to occasionally hijack that kids mind and interact with family and friends. School teachers and others. To interact with them with the mind of this 62 year old adult.
TO LISTEN AND KNOW THEM.
You see, when young and maybe some of us never grow out of it, we are very SELF focused. Understandably so. Survival instinct. Too much so. We are confused by our own minds and don’t pay much attention to others unless there is some threat to our Ego. I have looked back over the years and realized I never KNEW anyone in my past. I never KNEW them because I did not LISTEN to them. I was only about ME. I talked to them but did not hear them as they talked. Or maybe my ego filtered it all out.
NOW I think how wonderful it would be to enter and be the self I was. Put that young self to sleep. Here, take a nap while I take control of the vehicle. Hi Dad. How ARE you? No I mean really truly how ARE you? Hi Mom what was your childhood like? How is your marriage to dad? (Yes I know: Parents would not want to talk openly to a kid but nice try)
I would love to OBSERVE people. Sit in a school class and observe kids I once knew but have now forgotten. Teachers that were younger than I am now. What about their lives? We students held them up on such high pedestals!
Ahhhh and what of my siblings?
My “friends” that I knew but did not know?
There was such a wealth of people, thought and feeling I missed by being so self-absorbed in my own youthful dramas, ego, hormones and confusion. So much I missed. I missed and miss it all. Getting to know and perhaps comfort the outcasts. Analyzing the bullies. Seeing how scared and imperfect the perfect kids were in classes. There was so much PAIN I may have eased by simply BEING there for someone without talking. Without it all being about ME.
Hello, I am a little different today because I have sent the Scott of this age back for a nap while I take over and interact as a mature adult.
No I do not want to get stoned or high. I WOULD like know you guys and why oh why are we are you doing this drug and alcohol stuff? No I am not going to be a shrink when I grow up. I just want to know you guys because some day I will have no clue who the hell you were. But we did get HIGH together. Whoever you are.
It’s a fantasy.
It’s also a reminder to plug-in to those around me NOW and not miss anymore.