I have been sober for at least 19 years now. Around that. I chose to quit drinking on my own long ago. I got tired of feeling shitty on a daily basis. All the excuses I had to make AND using alcohol as an excuse. Drinking got to be expensive from a financial standpoint and a relationship standpoint. It did not affect my marriage because my wife liked to drink as well as all of her friends. BECAUSE it has been such a long time since I had a drink, I wonder at times if I really AM an, “alcoholic”. I recall going to Alcoholics Anonymous meetings before I quit. I could not stand all the smoke. I would tell my story and people would laugh like I was such crappy drunk. Meaning, I did not drink whole bottles of whiskey and lose days of my life. I just drank and let it fuck-up my life.
I have realized I would still have a problem with drinking by reaction to movies and TV shows that show drinking. I see men and women drinking beers, shots and bottles of liquor and I … SALIVATE. I feel like going running out to get some alcohol and doing like they do in the tv and movie shows. Maybe that was part of what led me to drinking in the first place: GLORIFICATION OF DRINKING IN ENTERTAINMENT! The same with drugs for my generation. I quit smoking weed over 30 years ago. It almost got me into some deep shit. I quit it and walked away or ran away from it. I did not need the bother of it. The stink. The laziness. The clouded mind. The paranoia. Yet I still WANT it when I see it in a movie or tv show. I recall wanting to drink as a kid because parents did. Because it was advertised on TV (beer). Same with smoking way back in the 1960’s. There was a drug sub culture of advertising of marijuana and hashish when I was a teen. It made me WANT IT. Just as these days seeing it on TV or in a movie I want it. I want to drink when I see it in movies and TV too.
Do I run out to find someone to sell me some marijuana?
Do I drive out to get a pint of liquor or a case of beer?
I force myself to remember the negative effects of it ALL and just salivate and feel the WANTING.
I let it go knowing RATIONALLY I am and have been far better off without it. Yeah, I just run some numbers in my head of how much it all would cost and think of how I could spend all that on … groceries or paying on my debt.
That I SEE IT and WANT IT shows that yeah… I am still an alcoholic. I will always have an ADDICTIVE PERSONALITY. Knowing that and accepting it will keep me safe… I think.