Tonight I had a flash of insight into my sleeping life. One of the reasons I often procrastinate going to bed and frequently wake-up during the night.
I realized that sleep is when we are the most vulnerable. At the mercy of the world. Good locks on solid doors and hopefully nobody wants to kill us. Sleep is when we shut-down and trust the world to NOT do us harm.
Sometimes like many I have dreams that I AM under attack. It may not be HERE in my house but somewhere I am under attack and have to claw my way into wakefulness.
But I can’t.
I am frozen.
It’s a fairly common occurrence in sleep. Suddenly we feel a need to wake-up but we cannot. We are in a prison chained to our own mind. Finally we DO break free and awaken then look around looking for some threat.
Usually finding none.
We are so vulnerable in our sleep.
When we sleep with another we hope we can trust them.
We put our lives in their hands
they put theirs in ours.
Maybe sleeping with someone is the ultimate trust in such a VULNERABLE state.
I think my early life catches up with me at this age, afraid to go into any place or state that leaves me vulnerable. I need to treat myself as a parent to child and tell myself, “All that is over now. It cannot hurt you”. Then let it go and trust the night to not have monsters in the closet, under the bed or hiding in my subconscious ready to paralyze me if I hear a sound in the night and try to awaken to respond to it.
I suspect all this is from that primordial part of our mind. Another survival mechanism that has kept humans alive so long. Some part of our minds is awake and watching over us in that most vulnerable of states.
Sometimes that ancient part is over active and leaves us yearning for sleep sweet trusting secure sleep.