These days I feel good.
Healthier in mind and emotion than ever. To myself I have washed off the “IDIOT LOSER” on the inside of my head. Or “mental wreck”. I feel that to my family, I still AM that. For all the changes I have worked to make in myself and life I feel THEY still see me as so much less than I am so much less than I see myself as. I have seen the changes. I am constantly trying to make more. Other’s don’t see them. I have no friends from my past because they are stuck on the labels they and others placed on me.
I recently had a chance to help my oldest brother. A brother that has done miracles to help me. Driving him to and from the hospital. I felt to the family I was being graded. Not good enough. NEVER good enough. I try and try and it’s never good enough. I have had a genuine PHOBIA about driving into the big city and going to that big university hospital. But I did it THIS TIME. Not as good as others would, but I DID IT. I pushed through my fears. I did not freeze. I pushed through the waves of fear and did what I had to do. I helped my brother but I know it was not good enough to the family. It will never be good enough.
It’s a funny thing how people create perceptions of others when they are young. They stick with them. Labels. It’s why you go to a class reunion and it all looks familiar because people fall into the labels they once lived. They still live to many. The high school hero may have become the life time asshole but to many he is still that hero. Tarnished label but still there beneath the “asshole” painted over it through the rest of his life. The school bad girl may have won the Nobel Prize but is still seen as THAT “bad” girl.
The thing I have realized I need to do is have COMPASSION for those that know me but truly DO NOT.
I know my struggles.
I know my pain.
They do not nor ever will.
I know the silent courage and heroism of my struggles
And Triumphs over them.
THAT is what is important:
That knowing of Self and an appreciation of the Path and Paths taken and built to get to a good place, a flawed but courageous place.
A place damning the labels of others
stuck in memories and images of person’s and pasts.
What matters is knowing WE have changed for the better and the betterment of those around us and the world NOW.