(Written in June, 2017)
(After not being able to walk normally or without pain, I was able to after treatment for blood clots. It was marvelous, a simple wonder to do so. To do what I once took for granted)
In early May I was diagnosed with blood clots external and internal in my left leg. Long story short, ultrasound scans showed the veins in my legs are weak and many valves damaged so that blood does not flow good. Partial and whole clots were found. At first it was believed that there were external blood clots then it was found they had traveled into the deep veins of my left leg. Blood thinners prescribed. 24 injections in my belly fat for 2 weeks and now 71/2 MG of Warfarin in pill form every day. There WAS a pink/red band of flesh along my left leg for over a month. SLOWLY I have seen this dissipate. Now what visibly remains is a dime-sized lump of an external blood clot in a once tangled group of varicose veins. The doctors told me that the dead veins would be absorbed into my body. I suspect now that that process is ongoing. In BOTH legs I feel greater strength.
There has been a mild metamorphosis of my legs and I think now, my mind and brain. I feel a greater clarity about life and my body. Maybe it took doctors scaring me a little to do this. I also wonder if the blood thinners have given my body a crutch to relax into while the body is given help to heal itself. I know there are small clots all over our bodies. In our brains as well. Why people have strokes: Blood clots in the brains. There are partial obstructions in our veins and arteries all through our bodies. I believe the drugs have helped me to clear some of the obstructions. Fearing a chance or greater chance than normal of death cleared the path to some perceptions, I believe.
Today’s walk was an exercise in empathy and imagination of empathy projected in an anthropomorphic way. It is a game I play at times but today was more serious with a tinge of humor to it.
I see the grass and try to imagine what it may feel.
A side walk – the bicycle tires, feet, rain, snow and sun. The insult of being spat upon and gooed with gum gobs.
A tree…. what is it like to be a tree … a bush a blade of grass?
Water vapor that forms a cloud above.
The call of a bird leads me to try to feel it’s mind, it’s flight, it’s desires and movement.
(A swarm of flies on a dead thing makes me recoil and NOT let my mind go there.)
I see faces in cars passing and send my mind beneath the faces traveling into the bodies the minds in a moment the minds of memory all down into that glorious moment of birth.
A WONDERING about the life of each passing stranger.
I see 2 children running and mind-reach out to them with my senses to hear them feel them smell and taste and use their senses to know their immediate and past life. Behind them, their mother chugging along walking fast to catch up with them. My mind breaks off. I applaud her exercising. I smile I wave and then zoom in to be a part of her, feeling sensing knowing her.
I have to come back to the “I” and travel the simple path of MY body MY body MY breath the blood flowing the digestion happening inside me. “I” observe as a fragment part of MY mind makes me aware of where my feet fall and move to not fall.
I once read that walking is a complex thing for a human. I once read that in theory, bumble bees should not be able to fly. But they do. Human’s walk for a simple same reason as they fly: Complex mechanics of physiology. WE are wonders of balance. Why do you have a larger bottom than your simian cousins? It helps you to stand upright and do so for long distances. Yet too much sitting on that atrophies your ability to do so. The simple act of WALKING is a miracle in itself that we have evolved to do so. The balance in our ears and minds. The complex joints, ligaments, bones and tendons. There is a constant software work occurring. A quiet entity in our minds shifting moving us to not fall. We are a marvel of evolution in how we CAN walk upright and do so for long distances. Even more marvelous is how we can run and not fall. It reminds me of how I once taught a child how to ride a bike: He fell a few times and then he finally GOT IT. That software of his mind GOT IT figured out integrating the balance and movements to create that sense of wonder I saw in his face as he pedaled that bike without falling. Maybe some day we can evolve to do the same with our bodies to fly. Flying machines is a marvel of our minds that we CAN perform such actions after creating such brilliant machines.
Walking is so complex
It is as simple as the marvel of breath in and out
as complex as Empathy or the imagining of it in the living and not living.
The complexity of giving life to the inanimate
The simplicity of feeling the inanimate under foot… dried gum gobs and all.
Seeing the perfection in all that stranger is
The imperfection of our judgements of them.