Distant Storms

Sometimes

A distant thunderstorm 

Makes me wonder 

And imagine

IF above the clouds the ancient gods are warring

Or celestial beasts fighting

Or perhaps the artilleries of fallen armies

Roam the clouds 

Constantly fighting over and over

Battles long won and lost

Only remembered in history books

And broken clouds from ghost cannon fire. 

Perhaps the raging winds are the ghost voices of charging battling armies

Howling celestial beasts,

Or gods fighting and yelling in god speak. 

Idea Fishing Late At Night

I sit in the dark late night
Waiting
Casting my baited thought lines out into my subconscious
Into the darkness around me
Waiting 
For something to inside me
Or outside me in the dark beyond my vision
Waiting
For my open
Welcoming mind to connect
To suddenly SPARK!
Like a personal 
Big Bang
AN IDEA!

(Slowly reel it in kicking and screaming 
Pull it into the boat of my mind
Remove the bait and ….
Embrace it
Cuddle 
Feed it my attention
Nurture it
Empower it
And help it grow
A living thing growing 
Of words…

My God

(I am an atheist but this is what I would believe as any kind of god in my life)

This Is My God

When I feed my pet bird and give it comfort

I feel joy doing it.

It does nothing for me but exist as itself

The joy comes in that existence in my life

And the joy of giving to it and nurturing it.

That moment of “joy” is the only god I know.

When I talk with someone and we share something to smile and laugh about

A joyful moment

There is my god.

When I do a kindness to some person or thing without asking or expecting anything in return, 

There is my god

A spark of joy 

In giving 

In helping

In perhaps making another life better. 

When I set a bowl of water out for some creature of the night to quench it’s thirst,

KNOWING it will help something

I feel joy in that

There is my god.

When I spread some matter on my lawn that trees can use for food when decayed, 

I feel a small joy

A tiny spark

Knowing that that will have done some good.

When I pour water on the ground near some trees and know that the roots will suck it up

And help the tree

There is that spark again

Of joy in a moment knowing I helped another living thing. 

When I give ANYTHING unconditionally

Words and 

Actions

In positive nurturing ways

And feel no desire for anything in return

There is a small joy

A spark

There is MY god

When I ask what I can do for others 

And find an answer

Live an action, 

There is my prayer

And prayer answered

In selfless action

And a moment 

A spark of Joy INSIDE 

As my reward.

Gun Loving Kid At The Grocery Store

Today at the grocery store,I asked the kid bagging my groceries how old he was. 16 he said. The man checking me out laughed and said that at 16 he was firing Kalashnikovs! He was a Russian immigrant. It was part of his schooling long ago. The kid bagging the groceries said that he liked guns. He liked them A LOT. I felt quiet rage growing. I wanted to ask him if he had ever SEEN OR FELT what a bullet does to a body. Did he know the horror or being shot at? Of having a friend killed near you? Of being shot in the guts and knowing that bullet was going to bleed you out ? Did he know SHIT about violence? I am sure he did not. He was all talk and spoiled white boy USA. Yeah he loved guns. Turn one on him and would he go piss himself? I made a sarcastic comment about how the AK is a great machine for killing and that is all. Not good at any distance but good for splattering bullets around you at short range. Bitch boy spoiled brat of 16 would not know that. Not know the pain of a bullet wound. Not know the crippling of them. Not know the horror of it all. It’s all movies and video games hey kid?

Hey kid, you ever had bombs going off around you?

Ever seen a person blown to bits near you with their blood and body parts splattered on you? 

Not cool or cool? 

How fucking real!

Yeah and a barrage of artillery slamming you around no matter how deep you dig. Coming up for air all you can do is scream until your voice is gone. 

Pretty cool aye spoiled American brat?

Ever seen your family lined up and killed with an assault weapon?

Hey kid not cool or is it?

Reality is the most horrifying thing. 

But you grew up on violence – OTHERS dying and you only getting cramps from playing video games. 

Wow guns are so cool eh kid?

I never had any experience of it but I do not and will not glorify guns. They are machines made to KILL. Not for some bullshit thing like… target practice. Targets represent living things. It’s all about ending life. Hey kid, you like to end lives? How valuable is yours? Some other kid may point a gun your way and then what? Guns so fun then?

Empathy For Women Receiving Dick Pics

I understand what it is like for women to receive dick pics in email or some other media. I got a taste of something sick like that last night.
From that international dating I added a south american woman to a chat app. Seemed like a nice person until I had to google translate all she wrote. She asked me some obscene questions like would I like to lick her… ok some hole on her body. I was disgusted and curious about the person. What was her thing her deal why talk that way to a stranger? I realized it is also the way some men probably talk to women. I told her my simple basic sexual likes – BORING due to I am not a kinky person. She sent me a breast photo. Ok seen those before but rare for a stranger to send me them. THEN she sent me a photo of her most private place and I was like what the fuuuuuuck? A WOMAN sending a man this stuff? It reminded me of how men sometimes treat women! She mentioned something about “goats” and sex. I thought google translated it badly or hoped it did. I let it go as just some very weird stuff. About an hour later while cooking supper, I got a call on THAT app and answered without thinking or knowing who it was. THERE on video was THAT woman with camera between legs masturbating. I am no prude and have seen much porn and gosh I had a wife and lovers in my past. But THERE was a woman contacting a man to show herself masturbating and grinning like hell when she did it. There are some pussies that are attractive and some that are not. Body parts and people can be works of art good or bad. This was very very BAD art. Dumpster stuff. I felt sick and turned it off and blocked her.


I now know how women feel about some of the sick shit MEN inflict on them. Empathy. Oh… I canceled that dating site for a while until I get desperately lonely again. I will side with women in that sexual stuff between people is fine when there is affection and trust. Otherwise it is mild sexual assault. Especially if the stuff is dumpster art 😉

I Don’t Believe In God But Maybe I Believe In Phil

I am an ATHEIST that has no belief in any god or the supernatural but at times I wonder as I wondered as a child if my oldest oldest brother is looking out for me.
You see, 2 years before I was born, I had a brother that was killed in some stupid incident at his school. He was 8 when he died. All my life I have been haunted by that. I suppose all 3 of my siblings have. I have always wondered: WHAT IF… he had lived through that knife wound. Had not been killed by that knife in his back. WHAT WOULD his life have been like? How would my parents have been without the life changing grief of his death? WOULD I HAVE BEEN BORN? HAD my parents had another child had Philip lived, I would not be the I, I am. Probably some other “I”.
I have wondered if in some way, Phil has lived. Continued on as some benevolent force looking out for his stupid living little brother he never knew yet wondered about him so often.


I wonder if it was HE that pulled me out of the pond when I fell in and had no idea how I was rescued from under the ice that horrid winter’s day.

Did HE save me so many times during my drunken druggy times?


Did HE save me from suicide that time?


Did he save me from drunk driving near deaths a few times?


A few days ago did HE make me swerve in time to escape hitting cars when I was driving with exhaustion?


Yes, although an atheist I have wondered about such. I have no belief in any god or supernatural things but…
I do wonder if Phil is still around some how some way looking after his at times stupid little brother.
I wonder if in some way did Phil grow to be an adult Phil just hanging around watching over others?
Or is Phil just an eternally young force of good?
As a salute to my oldest older brother, maybe if someone asks me if I believe in god I can honestly answer, “No, but I believe in Phil”.

Prison Escape

Locked in a room

Chained to a bed

The tortured man leaves that room

That shackle on his ankle

Closing his eyes

He walks down a corridor to a dark door in time

Pushing it open 

He looks inside at a child of perhaps 3

Lying on the floor on a blanket

Through a window, 

The sun shining brightly on his fetal bent form

Smiling the child is

Smiling the man is 

As he crouches down to the child in the room

Touching him

Entering him

Becoming him smiling

As the other room disappears down the corridor inside he came from

A distant CLANK!

As a manacle falls to a floor free of the object it held

A bed sighs free of it’s occupant

An occupant now inside himself 

In time

Rising in a room as the child he was

Smiling at the sunbeams passing through the window

Reaching for them

Embracing them

Climbing the sunbeams through a window

To freedom in a blinding light

As a child 

Through a window

After doors 

Within prisons,

Within prisons 

Of time

Of age

Of lost innocence

Found,

Within a corridor inside a torture chamber of a mind. 

Statue

Within this statue I am in life

There is a life of me

Beneath the surface

Beneath the flesh and bones

Chipping away

Cutting

Moulding 

Patching 

Bandaging and healing

Removing and adding, 

A master sculpture within this statue

Constantly chipping

Removing

Adding

Refining

Cursing when a renovation done wrong

Ooohing and ahhhing when something works 

And all seems to become right

Within this statue 

This work of art

I am

You are 

We are. 

Another Aspect Of Our Cold Civil War

Another aspect of our Cold Civil War

I have been on an INTERNATIONAL DATING SITE, seeking female FRIENDS with little confidence in finding a marriage partner. I have seen how our little Cold War has gone beyond the USA. Made contact in an at first pleasant way with a Russian woman. Little pleasantries and then she blew at me with a bunch of pro-trump crap. Byyyyyyyyye!

Then there was the Filipino in South Korea. Sounded nice until I made some disparaging remarks about trump. You know, like he’s a sonofabitch. In the chat she was laughing at me then started to ridicule me a bit and …….. BYYYYYYYE! 

Today an American sent me a message of, “Hi Scott I like your smile”. I told her I practice it a lot and then … checked myself. Uh oh… “trump good or trump bad?” I asked. 

“Trump good!” She replied.

“We would definitely be any kind of a match due to my being very Liberal. Happy hunting!” I said and …

BYYYYYYYYYE!

It’s a world thing, as you see. 

(I am quitting that site soon and going back to the Atheist Monastery I came from)

The Attempted Controlling Power Of Some About Words

Today I was being empathetic to someone that was “separated” and I referred to their ex as an “asshole”. They did not like my language! OH NO! The person said, “I think you  have a problem”. A judgement of my mental health. A person that does not know me at all. I had been trying to help them navigate a dating website. They assumed by my colorful word of language and talkative manner there was something “WRONG” with me and said I should, “get help” NOT KNOWING A DAMNED THING ABOUT ME. I cheerfully replied that I am “creative and smart”.  Due to problems as a child I grew-up on that attitude that I had “problems”. I DID see psychiatrists and DID GET HELP. I got it all  my life. Others believe themselves flawless and totally sane but hide the screaming inside and are in DENIAL of it all. THEY are the one’s that need the most… HELP. We parted ways probably ways, blocking each other. Tsk tsk. It reminds me of something I was thinking about today, about how so many people want to judge us and CONTROL us in how and what we SAY.  

You see I get that a lot. 

From FAMILY (HELLO FAMILY READING THIS!)

I get a lot of, “OH DON’T SAY THAT!”

Or, “Don’t say that word!” Or use THAT word in THEIR house.

I recently had a girl friend who, a few years ago disliked my using the word, “FUCK”. Very common word here in the USA. Very colorful. I told her I would use it when and how I wanted to. Not for me to change for others in that respect. Now using it in a shop or other such place… nah! 

WORDS HAVE ONLY THE MEANING WE GIVE THEM. 

THEY HAVE ONLY THE POWER WE GIVE THEM. 

Like magic spells.

Like FUCKING magic spells. 

If someone calls me a “mother fucker” it has only as much power as I give it. HOW I react to it. Should I go into a rage, offended by it as an insult or…. “Meh! So what”

The peaceful way is to laugh it off. 

Power removed. 

Give it your best word shot.

People use WORD OUTRAGE AS A WAY TO CONTROL.

“Don’t” is a big part of that control

DO NOT.

STOP SIGN ON WORD USE!

Having realized this I see how people try to control each other. Such as in the case of religion. Oh do not say this or that it is blasphemous! Do not say shit, fuck etc etc because it is OFFENSIVE TO GOD!  I think that if a god is so offended by some words and not doing shit about the horrors of the world, THAT is one fucked-up god! God can be more preoccupied being outraged and wincing about… “fuuuuuuck!” Than it is about child rape and torture. God is one fucked-up thing.

CONTROL. 

Not like a GOD thinks words are bad. Since it does not exist. It is the control freak believers of gods that think some words are bad. Were it not for some words like… (ok you know them all) control freaks, religious or otherwise would have less stupid shit to try to control people with.

So now I have a very liberated attitude about those that would try to “DON’T” me to not use whatever words I want. I have a message for them about trying to control how I talk, live and think:

PLEASE GO FUCK YOURSELVES!