Eros And Thanatos In The Universal Mind

Freud believed that we have 2 instincts or drives in us: The death drive which he called,  “Thanatos” and the Life drive which he called, “Eros”.  We all have that in us. I have seen it with life affirming living and my own urges to destroy myself or live in such a way that I was going in that direction with unhealthy stupid life habits. 

I believe that humanity has such. We come together with such urges. For example POLITICALLY. In the USA we have the Republican Party and those on the Right or Conservatives that may talk about the “right to life” and are anti-abortion yet think nuclear weapons and the horror of wars are ok and justified. The majority of them are in denial of climate change/global warming. Beliefs that can lead to the death of us all and near death of the planet. Humans are often like complex cells that can turn cancerous with beliefs that will end us all or make a majority, miserable.

Trump is an example of a person that has a big death urge. NOT for himself but stupidly for society, populations, humanity and the planet. His death-urges influence millions. 

The left seems to be more genuinely PRO LIFE in how they want to save ALL life on the planet and not destroy it through wars or climate change.  They and their leaders are Eros or Life affirming cells battling the Thanatos cancer cells in humanity. 

Religion often claims to be life-affirming but … is often not. One religion’s or sect of a religion’s prophet or leader may be a life affirmer to that group but to others they are world enders. 

The battling urges in all of us of Thanatos and Eros are mirrored in our societies by the millions. Like cells within us. Hopefully the Eros cells, urges, people and beliefs will win out in we this universal mind. 

Waiting For Death

When I was young

Death was an abstract

Animals died

People on tv and in the movies died

(But not really)

Someone’s grandma


Father or mother 


They grieved and they lived.

People in distant places died

American soldiers died

The draft just died and I was safe

No distant war on tv death for me

No sirree

I was young

I was mortal without thinking about 

Just living…

Death for other people 

Other things

Death in fictions

Not my reality until…

The pains of life chipped away at me 

Suddenly times dumbly staring pain filled eyes glazing

(I think I’m dying,

No you’re just getting old

And feeling like death when you get up in the morning)

Suddenly times driving 

Wondering if death is in the headlights ahead

Or that slam of pain in my chest at work 

Or simply

Not waking up

Or horribly

Feeling the shock 

The horror

Of an erupting sun not the sun.

Older now I feel like sitting on my porch 

Waiting for IT

Like a passing visitor come to take my immortality

Like a passing newspaper reporter come to take my name 

Add it to the names of the kids I grew up with

Ah is that MY name someone see’s with the growing list of dying in MY generation?

Older now

I feel like sitting on my porch 

Inviting it over

Come over Stranger,

I’ve been waiting for you all my Old life,

Give me a hug and 

Fuck it 

Let’s get this moment over with. 

Relationship Ending At 63

(Long winded getting shit off my chest blog post)

Today I ended a “relationship” with a woman. Foreigner not living in her home country. We met on a Foreign dating site. Started as friends and then love blossomed. She was going to come here to a visit a couple years ago. Cancelled it and said she got a headache and the airline had the pilot stop in SWITZERLAND to put her up in a hotel due to her headache. She was flying from Denmark. The USA is to the WEST not EAST. She had given me a story of where she was booked to stay for a night in NYC etc. When I could not reach her I called the hotel and they said they had nobody by THAT name or race. She finally called me on the phone, crying and told me her bullshit story. At first I believed it, then talked to some friends and they said it was BULLSHIT. I let it go but it was a festering sore for a couple years. 

She came to visit for real a couple winters ago and it all went well sort of. She stayed in my bedroom most of the time using her laptop. I drove her around a bit. Met some family but she seemed to spend most of her short stay in bed just sleeping. It was a bit weird to be honest but we got along.

She came a second time over a year ago. At Christmas. Immigration were shits with her. Interrogated her. Asian not muslim so should have been no problem. AGAIN she spent most of the time. I bought her a laptop to use. I took her to an asian market and she cooked. She drank a bit. We went to see some of my family, talking about marriage. At one point she thought I said something a relative said. We got home and she literally attacked me screaming and hitting me. I just held her off. No hitting back. That night I hid the knives. She acted so deranged. I tried to let THAT go but it was scary. We were supposed to see an attorney about getting married but she had wanted to just hole up alone. Very weird. THEN she went nuts assuming I had said something innocuous I had not.

I had seen problems but TRIED to let them go.

All for the team! 

Just to keep things flowing and going and having SOMEONE in my life. Yeah, desperation. I was very friendly and sent videos and letters. She at first insisted I not call her but she could call me. I would let that CONTROL thing go then it would be humiliating and I would try to make things change. Normal for BOTH people to call each other on something like Messenger on Facebook. After a while she said her phone would not receive calls on Messenger. Ah ok a technical issue. More bullshit. Lies I am sure. 

That whole control thing she had of me doing everything on her terms grew resentment and dread BECAUSE we agreed she would come here again to LIVE in this spring. I kept looking at how she lied about not coming here and would not admit it. Over and over. Finally she said she would tell me WHY but only to my face. HERE. I called, “bullshit”. I just assumed she got cold feet and then lied about it too proud to admit she was afraid. 

That was another thing about her: NEVER admitted to being WRONG. It was always someone else’s fault. When I disagreed with her or caught her in a lie, she accused me of being a “bully” which is the opposite of what kind of man I am. If anything, I am TOO passive. Too easy going and NICE. 

Things built-up. 

On the way to work on Valentines Day, I realized a great realization about my life: I HAD ALWAYS CHOSEN WOMEN THAT NEEDED A WHITE KNIGHT. They were hurting and so I tried to help and heal them. Things always broke-up when I was no longer needed. I remember hearing someone tell me I had a “white knight” syndrome. Trying to help and save women. I saw that is how I was with my now PAST girl friend. I saw she was a very sad woman and wanted to raise her up. I DID but found she is probably a pathological liar that will not admit to doing any wrong and then blames others. 

Recently in 2 of her calls to me (AT HER TIME ON HER TERMS) she asked if I was going for a walk. I was shocked because I had told her several times it is hard to walk HERE because of great amounts of ICE. I had mentioned it often including a fall I took on my porch due to ice. I mentioned my fasting on Fridays and she did not know what I was talking about EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TALKED ABOUT DOING IT FOR NEARLY A YEAR! Almost every Friday I fast for 24 or more hours. I told her about it many times. MANY. It was like talking to a stranger. 

I realized on Valentines Day I did NOT LOVE THAT WOMAN. Marrying her would have been living hell. I wrote a very dry UNEMOTIONAL letter noting 8 points that we needed to address for things to go on. No attacking etc. Logical. She responded with anger and hysterics accusing me once again of being a “bully”. NOT addressing anything I wrote. Ahhhh I was attacking her! 

For once in my life I finally got tired of it all and said…

“Fuck off”. 

All contact information deleted. 

So… at 63 how do I feel about this?

Sad and empty. 



No more waiting for calls I cannot make to them.

No more putting myself in a HERE BOY! Position. 

No more being treated like a fool that forgives lies. 

No more dreading a marriage that would have been hell. Battered man?

I am of the age where I do not need the bullshit. Better to be alone than with someone that makes my life a living hell.

Yes I feel relieved.

If I cannot trust someone, I cannot love them. 

I think I am too damned old to go looking for a partner anymore. 

Now then… shave the beard or keep it?  😉

The Uses Of A Garbage Song

Sometimes a stupid meaningless song

A song with a good  main theme and riff repeated over and over

can become a meditation

Blocking out the world outside 

And inside

Just what it IS 

Not what it’s creator intended:


A great song to One

Is merely a garbage blur of meditative worlds masking sound, 

To another. 

Sometimes, Waking

Sometimes waking

Remembering a dream in which I was living in my past

I feel myself sinking

And wonder

If maybe I am falling into it


Falling into my past

A new character I will dream of

A new memory,

That strange adult that often haunted me while growing up. 

Time Don’t Need You

I keep calling back through the back of my head

Back to time behind me

Inside me

Back to time

Back to the people in my times

Back to the times I once lived 

Time faces me 

A blurred smear of vague shapes half remembered



Insanely scrambling 

Itching at itself for names and places

Then fades


Farther into the back of my head

Back times far behind me

Whispering a jumble of voices all meaning

Time don’t want you

Time don’t need you

You don’t need time

Times all done with you

don’t look here no more

look in the middle 


Now look forward 

Because time is done with you

And time don’t need you

Time begins in the middle 

Now flows forward

Step by step 

Thought by thought 


Creating time

Falling back into the back of my head. 



I don’t get it. 

WHY any person of any color of skin would think it funny to try to mock the color of another’s skin.  I am 63 and as a kid back in the 1960’s I thought that whole Al Jolson thing was WEIRD. My parents were not into it either even thought THAT black faced entertainer was of their youth. THEY never did that stuff. I remember dad got a rubber mask of the face of what someone thought was an African Native. That stereotype of huge lips etc. I wore it for Halloween but never thought of it being the face of a “black” person because it did not look anything like the kids I went to school with. Black kids or as people are called now, “people of color”. That mask became an EMBARRASSMENT. It was, like that black face stuff, WEIRD.  All that racial crap seemed stupid to me. IGNORANT. My mom hated “the Japs” because that’s what they did when she was young during WWII. I went to school with “asians” and they were just kids to me. Looked a bit different but I looked kind of weird to a lot of kids I think – any color of kid. Maybe I was fortunate to grow-up in a somewhat diverse school system. Back in the 1960’s there were a lot of movies with a WWII theme. Very bigoted. But I learned I realized that it WAS stupid stuff. From WAR. Leftovers. 

I see people with photos of them wearing black face or doing some other racial stuff and I wonder about them. What is wrong with their minds? I mean come on! I am OLDER than most of these people.  I wonder about them. Yeah and I AM VERY WHITE! How pure stupid can they be? What if they saw people of color wearing WHITE face? Wouldn’t that be a bit stupid to them? Damn… folks need to quit being stupid and grow up. EVOLVE. 

An Insight Into My Mother’s Life And I

Today at work, remembering my mother (who died in 2001) I had a new insight into our relationship. I was very close to her due to being the “baby” or last born of the kids. I nearly died a few times. 18 months and then later a fall through some ice I tactfully told mom about later. I was the troubled kid that was put into a mental hospital at age 7. Outpatient. Anxiety disorder. No idea what they called it back in the ’60’s. It left it’s scars. Later I was the druggy drunk kid and adult. When I got a decent job and moved out of my parents house, I would call mom one or 2 times a day. Something like that. Or not for a few days. Depending on the mood and dramas. Mom was always concerned. He little boy was always a fucking SOAP OPERA! 😉 I still have amused memories of mom gasping in disbelief as I told her about some romantic thing with a woman or work happening. Dad hearing her and yelling at ME to not excite mom! I know he was jealous. You see the INSIGHT here comes remembering her reactions and her boring house wife life. Raising a family and then when the kids gone, caring for her retired grouchier and grouchier husband.

I was entertainment for mom. I gave her adventures in the rough world of the factory. I sadly told her about some of my drinking and humorous stupid things doing that. I hurt myself a lot but never went to jail much to mom’s relief. My adventures in all my tragedies gave her life more life. I sit here snickering thinking about how my crazy life was better than a lot of TV. I would make mom LAUGH too. I seem to have inherited a sense of humor from dad. I know mom looked forward to hearing my stories. Scott, the wild man of the family 😉

Eventually I got my shit together.I saw I was an alcoholic and quit. Not a hard had bad drinker just… someone that drank enough to realize they could not stop and would eventually kill themselves or others as well. I remember calling mom and telling her after some months I had quit and was doing well. A pause on the line. Then, “Scott, you’ve finally grown-up”. That happened before she got cancer. When she was dying she had the comfort of knowing her son had quit being an extreme asshole 😉 As she was dying I continued to call her and try to entertain her. Not with tragedy and stupidity but just… life.

I have good memories of mom. I don’t need a Mother’s Day to think lovingly of her 😉

Musical Rebellion

Over the years I have grown to love classical music. More recently, Opera. At times I wonder why I love such music. Why I grew past the rock of my youth and now live on musics created by long dead geniuses. Brilliant minds, in my view. 

It recently came to me that it is often BECAUSE the people creating the music WERE brilliant. Great minds. Their talents incomprehensible to me, awing me in my listening to their musics and thinking about the intellects that could create such sound. Such BEAUTY. 

I often compare it to the drivel of todays so-called, “music”.  Rap and hip hop are not music to me. Music has notes that can be written. Chords. So much of todays popular “music” is ego driven masses of words without any meaning or true emotion. So much is angry and repetitive noise. 

Another reason I find myself embracing classical is a rebellion against the stupidity of the culture of these times. Year by year a dumbing down. Last year I recall reading a scientific analysis of how music is over time becoming more and more repetitive and simplistic. Copiers copying copiers. A loop of the ego driven stupid. 

I rebel against the stupid. 

Youth rebels against the older generations but as they do so their rebellions against that old “Establishment” leads them into the stupider. 

Just as MY generation and I did. I listen to the music of my youth and like the sound of it but also laugh at how stupid the lyrics often are. But even MY generation had MUSIC that could be written down, read and replayed that way by others. I remember music books with Beatle song sheet music!

I am listening to newish rock music as I write this. I accept that lyrics are stupid but it sounds good. A bit of candy but nothing… nothing that goes beyond the taste buds and into my soul. Nothing that transports the heart and other body organs of romantic speech 😉

When I was a youth I wanted to rebel against the Establishment of my parents. NOW as an adult I rebel against the stupidity of youth. Present youthful musics AND… the youthful music of MY youth!

What World Do We Leave The Children Of Today?

Today it snowed. I shoveled my driveway and then went across the street to do the same for a neighbor I have spoken to but once since she has been here in the past nearly a year. She graciously invited me in and was very hospitable. I felt awkward. Very kind person. I was a bit tongue tied and realized it is because I rarely talk to women and in these times in the USA many are cautious about their politics. There was a cautious give and take and I was relieved to find the lady was anti-trump.  I relaxed a bit. She has a daughter in her teens. I told her that the youth need to fight against trump because of THEIR future. I felt a sadness and still do, thinking of the world that my generation and those before us are leaving the kids of today. The fight against trump, the conservatives, the global warming denialists  is like the fight against the Vietnam war when I was a kid. BUT BIGGER. That was just A war.  

What a mess we are leaving the kids:

The oceans are slowly dying.

The planet heating up with future food and water scarcity. 

A planet sickened with chemical poisons and plastics. 

We are killing the planet. 

The bees that pollinate the crops are dying out and that will eventually create mass starvation. 

There is talk of a breaking point when nothing can be done to stop global warming. When the world will grow hotter and hotter to become another Venus. But that will take a while. 

I think of all the anti-science, climate change deniers, anti vaxxers. Those that reinforce and encourage STUPIDITY. I think of the religious fanatics helping to destroy the world with their STUPIDITY AND INSANITY and shake my mind in wonder at … what a world MY generation and others are leaving these kids. 

Sometimes I hear and or see children passing my house and wonder what kind of world THEY will have in 10 ….20…. Or more ? Years. Will they have lives of poverty and misery or will they be alive at all? Right now all life on earth is ONE TRUMP TANTRUM AWAY FROM NUCLEAR ANNIHILATION. More human stupidity and insanity is that the right wingers cannot see that. Or maybe their insanity reaches into nuclear oblivion for all life on earth. 

What can save these children and the world is for the idiocracies around the world to end. For religion to fade out an echo of stupidity. We need to leave fossil fuels behind and rely on renewables. Take the money we spend on wars and put them into carbon capture technologies. Create massive tree plantings. Instead of investing in ways to kill each other and the planet, invest in ways to save it. To save kids like that girl across the street and all her friends. All the voices I hear of the little people passing by. I look back on a childhood I once thought so bad and now realize it was wonderful. There was so much LIFE in the world 50 years ago. 

I hate to admit it but, the Old people, their greed and egos, are killing the children. That selfishness of “I” and I got mine and to hell with the rest. Killing future generations unless something is done NOW. 

Every day on the way home from work I see a sign on a lawn that reads, “abortion kills children”. I laugh and think, no, stupidity like that does. Starvation and disease kills more than any damned abortions. Want to save kids? Want to save the unborn? We need to remove the idiots that think god or gods will save us and not ourselves.