A Day At Work

I almost got another hernia at work this morning. I was talking with the guys that work the loading dock and one of them pointed to a crudely written sign on a wall that read, “JIM IS A BITCH!” I started laughing. Then H pointed to another much larger on another wall that said, “JIM IS A BITCH!”. I was crying and holding my poor guts. Big breakfast eater I am. Crying. Gasping. What did Jim DO to deserve such attention? He erased some note of work starting date by H. It was a joke for me all day. As I mentioned to the boss, “This is going to make Jim a very important person! People will come to the loading dock and see THAT SIGN and wonder who this BITCH JIM is? What made him so infamous? MAYBE someone, when asked will point to Jim and say, “yes that is Jim the Bitch”. Our maintenance man that says “fuck” every other word. Knows it all. Inspired me to repeat to him what my dad used-to say to me many times: “Try listening for once! Just shut-up and listen!”. A lesson in talking mouthes, babbling minds in motion and only talking shit and fuck every other word. Ahhh well I love Jim. He is a character. He was in the military and knows all there is to know about bombs and guns. Doubt if he ever read a book about such.
As I told H, “I am going to be VERY careful with you so that I do NOT get MY name on that loading dock wall so that people can pass me working, nod knowingly and go, “ahhhh so that is SCOTT that is a ________”. I think and hope that H and B and I are all cool. As I told H, ” I never mess with anyone. If I don’t like them I try to get along with them or ignore them.”
Speaking of which…
The company ass kisser of Forever left for a week. Walking through the parking lot I noticed his van was not there. Ahhhhhh. His van sounds like it is going to explode any moment when he drives it. It stinks too. Old piece of shit but runs. $3000 in repairs would help. When we pull out of the parking lot after work, I keep a distance expecting that thing to blow any moment. We wouldn’t miss M because…
When I got inside the factory, there was a sense of almost … JOY. Because M the ass kisser was not there. He is the kind of idiot that will stoke the wood burning furnace so it is HOT in there so HE CAN WEAR SHORTS! It was nice to feel a faint chill.
Then I saw those notes on the loading dock wall….
Angry Bob (brain damaged worker – yes literally) asked me about some material. I had no idea what he was talking about. He was getting flustered and with Bob, there is some mild anxiety he could explode through the windshield of reality and hurt people. Nice guy otherwise. But … gotta be careful with someone whose first name is, “angry”. I think? Ok maybe “Bob” is. I smiled at Bob and said, “oh yeah you are right (you crazy brain damaged fuck!) that stuff is there for M to work on.” (Ok now go out and smoke for a while and look angry. Bob.)
No squirrel to greet me after work for a peanut butter hand out. Will have to buy it a watch or something. Note to self on shopping list: NON SALTED PEANUTS FOR SQUIRREL.

Dreams Relative To Current Physical Ability

Last night I dreamed that I was running. I have not been able to run in over 20 years. Some of the places I was running in were weirdly familiar, a mix of memory of local places. Reality and fiction pasted, quilted together. I did not feel my breathing. I did not feel an exertion. I felt movement looking around me. I was aware I was running. I was running at times very slow but I was running. Other times I thought oh I am running for 12 hours this is normal and I am faster than many others! I was often racing past people in such dreams. All this normal in a dream of a few minutes.  I awoke from the dream realizing that I often dream of running. Long ago I was a distance runner. It was the greatest joy I have ever had  – except perhaps the years when I had a dog.  I remembered having dreams many years ago when I WAS a runner, of FLYING like a bird. Jumping and my body floating to where I wanted to go. Like a balloon or human bird. At times I still feel I should be able to do that while awake. To defy gravity as I live.


Maybe some day when older, I will simply have dreams of being able to walk. Yes last night I dreamed of walking…

DOING GOD’S WORK

Was looking for my coworker Jim today. Had some wood for him to machine. When I found him he said that he had been, “Doing god’s work”.  I did not know what he was talking about. Assumed he was talking about some bible stuff. Spreading the word of the gospel and all that. Maybe going out and preaching to people. No, he said he had been pinching a loaf. Taking a dump etc. I finally understood: “Oh you were DEFECATING! TAKING A SHIT!” He said yeah like he said, “doing god’s work”.  I was laughing. Ok what did god have to do about going toilet? Was he taking a shit for god? I told him every other word he says is “fuck” and he gives me that stuff about GOD?

It did make me think.

Maybe I have been wrong about what some religious people have been meaning all my life. When they said they WERE doing, “god’s work” what they meant was they were GOING POOP! Ohhhhh wow. All those years all those religious people that were NOT out proselytizing but GOING POOP! All those people that came to my door to do “god’s work” were there to use my toilet for god! 

Now when I hear someone talking with passion about how they are doing GOD’S WORK! I will nod and go ohhhhh I know that you have to GO POOP FOR GOD! 

Got it. 

Later in the day I said to Jim, “If going poop is going poop for god, who are you pissing for? Jesus? The Holy Spirit?” He could give me no answer but did laugh with me. 

I told my boss about it and we agreed that in another country and with another religion, saying anything about god and defecation in the same sentence would get that person stoned and or killed.  Christianity and the USA… what a weird mix. Add to that red neck stupid. 

To Be A Super Hero

When I was a kid, I learned the basics of christianity and God. BOTH were ALL GOOD. Jesus was my super hero. God was all good. Then I learned reality after my teens. I learned it was all a good idea that was bullshit. Later, a good idea gone bad and made bad by the Believers of such bullshit. I DID learn or decide that if you are going to be a god or son of a god or something supernatural and be totally COOL, 

BE GOOD.

Be kind and loving. 

Compassionate.

Empathetic. 

Help people and the world. 

Do little miracles of humility. 

Don’t go boasting about it. 

To be a super hero, be like my first naive views of the supernatural beings were. 

Be good. 

LOVING even if your voice was low and beat-up the bad guys like in later super hero movies. Super man was like a supernatural being. He did good. 

Our new gods of good are the Super Heroes from the comic books. Not only can many of them walk on water but they can fly. Somehow, Jesus morphed from a robed dude doing good to a caped crusader like Batman or Superman.

DOING GOOD. 

Now we have religious people that worship Insanity more than the original basic teachings of their prophets. They make shit up that is crazy and hurt people. Greed and Crazy become their gods and ruining people and hurting them become their super power results. So many are right wing politicians. 

We have signs of hope in Left wing people and politicians that want to save the earth, life on it and the people life. THESE are potential super heroes because of the GOOD they try to do. Sometimes I see them or read about them and I see a shadow of that Jesus and God I learned about as a kid. Not that demented crazy thing I saw later, perverted by the insane and insane preachers. 

I often see super heroes or read about them. Not in the movies but more in real life. Like my oldest brother that gave me an incredible gift once. THAT to me being true HOLINESS. He gave GOODNESS. When I see and hear about people doing simple acts of kindness and good, I see super heroes and a part of my mind that believes in a FICTIONAL JESUS see’s that dude smiling and nodding. 

All my life I wanted to be a super hero like others, like Jesus by simply doing good things to and for people. For life. Give life by watering a plant. Throw some compost out for trees to be nourished with. End a moment of loneliness for someone. GIVE UNCONDITIONALLY. Because if you give with strings, things get complicated messy and sick. Conditional giving is not true giving. Give and let go… ok. I once GAVE a used car to my first real lover. It hurt when we broke up because I gave the car with conditions. Yeah, love me and be good to me and don’t sleep with some other guy like she did. I could have lessened the pain by being a tiny super hero and just giving and walking away without strings. 

I hope that I can find the means to give more and let my ego shine for a moment feeling like a super hero. Little things. Nothing earth shaking. If I can do many givings it will not shake the earth but it will cause some nice ripples through life. 

Want to be a super hero?

Just give a little.

Kindness.

Show compassion and feel empathy. 

Love without conditions. 

LISTEN without giving a lecture afterward. 

Give a hug without making a big thing of it. 

Things I need to remind myself of. 

Yeah I can you can be a super hero. 

Like that Jesus dude I knew in my mind when I was a kid. 

Santa?

Meh…. So much was conditional. 

Same with Jesus, later when it got complex but… you got the idea 😉

Loneliness Is Layers

Loneliness is Layers

Walls

Isolation inside the layers of walls

Walls and layers of skin

Air

Race

Ethnicity

Faith or lack of Faith in this or that

Sex

Sexuality

Family or lack of family

A crowd of

A few of 

FRIENDS 

Or lack of friends

Or that empty realization that the friends we had

Are just another wall of illusion enveloping us in 

A loneliness

Loneliness 

Our loneliness we can sometimes feel it layer

Of fabric

A room we wrap around ourselves

A room wrapped around us by the world

By people

A wall of ghosts living around us

Ghosts of flesh

We scream at them from inside 

But they cannot hear us

They cannot hear us through all the layers

And often, 

Their loneliness

Deafens them to our cries

And we,

Their’s. 

Shadowed

For almost a year I had a beard.

Weeks after shaving

I feel the beard

A ghost

5 o’clock shadow

Haunting my face

Knocking at the door of my skin

Wanting to come back

Come back and live and be again

But for now

It haunts my face

Like any limb

Like any part of us

Grown and gone

But there

Beneath or near where it WAS

Shadowing us

Shadowing our body

As WE

A once lived

May shadow the place and places

Where WE once lived.

THERE IS A BEAUTY IN SADNESS

There is a beauty in sadness

A sadness that crushes you inside 

Makes you want to die

Or just end yourself.

There is a beauty in a sadness

That makes you feel all that

Reeling through your own toxic darkness

Then oddly

Insanely

Finding little things to smile about

Joke about

Laugh about 

And finally,

Cry about

As you laugh. 

It’s a sadness that

Despite wanting to Die,

It brings you back to Life

Feeling so deeply

Vulnerably 

Fragile

HUMAN 

Sensing all inside and outside 

With that sadness 

Like a new sensory organ 

To feel so fully 

DEEPLY

Human 

And connect with… 

Life

And now beyond the desire for Death,

LIVING.

Eros And Thanatos In The Universal Mind

Freud believed that we have 2 instincts or drives in us: The death drive which he called,  “Thanatos” and the Life drive which he called, “Eros”.  We all have that in us. I have seen it with life affirming living and my own urges to destroy myself or live in such a way that I was going in that direction with unhealthy stupid life habits. 

I believe that humanity has such. We come together with such urges. For example POLITICALLY. In the USA we have the Republican Party and those on the Right or Conservatives that may talk about the “right to life” and are anti-abortion yet think nuclear weapons and the horror of wars are ok and justified. The majority of them are in denial of climate change/global warming. Beliefs that can lead to the death of us all and near death of the planet. Humans are often like complex cells that can turn cancerous with beliefs that will end us all or make a majority, miserable.

Trump is an example of a person that has a big death urge. NOT for himself but stupidly for society, populations, humanity and the planet. His death-urges influence millions. 

The left seems to be more genuinely PRO LIFE in how they want to save ALL life on the planet and not destroy it through wars or climate change.  They and their leaders are Eros or Life affirming cells battling the Thanatos cancer cells in humanity. 

Religion often claims to be life-affirming but … is often not. One religion’s or sect of a religion’s prophet or leader may be a life affirmer to that group but to others they are world enders. 

The battling urges in all of us of Thanatos and Eros are mirrored in our societies by the millions. Like cells within us. Hopefully the Eros cells, urges, people and beliefs will win out in we this universal mind. 

Waiting For Death


When I was young

Death was an abstract

Animals died

People on tv and in the movies died

(But not really)

Someone’s grandma

Grandpa

Father or mother 

Died

They grieved and they lived.

People in distant places died

American soldiers died

The draft just died and I was safe

No distant war on tv death for me

No sirree

I was young

I was mortal without thinking about 

Just living…

Death for other people 

Other things

Death in fictions

Not my reality until…

The pains of life chipped away at me 

Suddenly times dumbly staring pain filled eyes glazing

(I think I’m dying,

No you’re just getting old

And feeling like death when you get up in the morning)

Suddenly times driving 

Wondering if death is in the headlights ahead

Or that slam of pain in my chest at work 

Or simply

Not waking up

Or horribly

Feeling the shock 

The horror

Of an erupting sun not the sun.

Older now I feel like sitting on my porch 

Waiting for IT

Like a passing visitor come to take my immortality

Like a passing newspaper reporter come to take my name 

Add it to the names of the kids I grew up with

Ah is that MY name someone see’s with the growing list of dying in MY generation?

Older now

I feel like sitting on my porch 

Inviting it over

Come over Stranger,

I’ve been waiting for you all my Old life,

Give me a hug and 

Fuck it 

Let’s get this moment over with. 

Relationship Ending At 63

(Long winded getting shit off my chest blog post)

Today I ended a “relationship” with a woman. Foreigner not living in her home country. We met on a Foreign dating site. Started as friends and then love blossomed. She was going to come here to a visit a couple years ago. Cancelled it and said she got a headache and the airline had the pilot stop in SWITZERLAND to put her up in a hotel due to her headache. She was flying from Denmark. The USA is to the WEST not EAST. She had given me a story of where she was booked to stay for a night in NYC etc. When I could not reach her I called the hotel and they said they had nobody by THAT name or race. She finally called me on the phone, crying and told me her bullshit story. At first I believed it, then talked to some friends and they said it was BULLSHIT. I let it go but it was a festering sore for a couple years. 

She came to visit for real a couple winters ago and it all went well sort of. She stayed in my bedroom most of the time using her laptop. I drove her around a bit. Met some family but she seemed to spend most of her short stay in bed just sleeping. It was a bit weird to be honest but we got along.

She came a second time over a year ago. At Christmas. Immigration were shits with her. Interrogated her. Asian not muslim so should have been no problem. AGAIN she spent most of the time. I bought her a laptop to use. I took her to an asian market and she cooked. She drank a bit. We went to see some of my family, talking about marriage. At one point she thought I said something a relative said. We got home and she literally attacked me screaming and hitting me. I just held her off. No hitting back. That night I hid the knives. She acted so deranged. I tried to let THAT go but it was scary. We were supposed to see an attorney about getting married but she had wanted to just hole up alone. Very weird. THEN she went nuts assuming I had said something innocuous I had not.

I had seen problems but TRIED to let them go.

All for the team! 

Just to keep things flowing and going and having SOMEONE in my life. Yeah, desperation. I was very friendly and sent videos and letters. She at first insisted I not call her but she could call me. I would let that CONTROL thing go then it would be humiliating and I would try to make things change. Normal for BOTH people to call each other on something like Messenger on Facebook. After a while she said her phone would not receive calls on Messenger. Ah ok a technical issue. More bullshit. Lies I am sure. 

That whole control thing she had of me doing everything on her terms grew resentment and dread BECAUSE we agreed she would come here again to LIVE in this spring. I kept looking at how she lied about not coming here and would not admit it. Over and over. Finally she said she would tell me WHY but only to my face. HERE. I called, “bullshit”. I just assumed she got cold feet and then lied about it too proud to admit she was afraid. 

That was another thing about her: NEVER admitted to being WRONG. It was always someone else’s fault. When I disagreed with her or caught her in a lie, she accused me of being a “bully” which is the opposite of what kind of man I am. If anything, I am TOO passive. Too easy going and NICE. 

Things built-up. 

On the way to work on Valentines Day, I realized a great realization about my life: I HAD ALWAYS CHOSEN WOMEN THAT NEEDED A WHITE KNIGHT. They were hurting and so I tried to help and heal them. Things always broke-up when I was no longer needed. I remember hearing someone tell me I had a “white knight” syndrome. Trying to help and save women. I saw that is how I was with my now PAST girl friend. I saw she was a very sad woman and wanted to raise her up. I DID but found she is probably a pathological liar that will not admit to doing any wrong and then blames others. 

Recently in 2 of her calls to me (AT HER TIME ON HER TERMS) she asked if I was going for a walk. I was shocked because I had told her several times it is hard to walk HERE because of great amounts of ICE. I had mentioned it often including a fall I took on my porch due to ice. I mentioned my fasting on Fridays and she did not know what I was talking about EVEN THOUGH I HAVE TALKED ABOUT DOING IT FOR NEARLY A YEAR! Almost every Friday I fast for 24 or more hours. I told her about it many times. MANY. It was like talking to a stranger. 

I realized on Valentines Day I did NOT LOVE THAT WOMAN. Marrying her would have been living hell. I wrote a very dry UNEMOTIONAL letter noting 8 points that we needed to address for things to go on. No attacking etc. Logical. She responded with anger and hysterics accusing me once again of being a “bully”. NOT addressing anything I wrote. Ahhhh I was attacking her! 

For once in my life I finally got tired of it all and said…

“Fuck off”. 

All contact information deleted. 

So… at 63 how do I feel about this?

Sad and empty. 

JUSTIFIED.

RELIEVED. 

No more waiting for calls I cannot make to them.

No more putting myself in a HERE BOY! Position. 

No more being treated like a fool that forgives lies. 

No more dreading a marriage that would have been hell. Battered man?

I am of the age where I do not need the bullshit. Better to be alone than with someone that makes my life a living hell.

Yes I feel relieved.

If I cannot trust someone, I cannot love them. 

I think I am too damned old to go looking for a partner anymore. 

Now then… shave the beard or keep it?  😉